


Mosquito Bite

by CloudNineKitty



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amputation, Anxiety, Blowjobs, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hospitalization, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build, Trans Female Character, awkward gay old men, eruri - Freeform, erwin is a firefighter, levi has terrible bedside manners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 20:07:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2163540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudNineKitty/pseuds/CloudNineKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re taking the whole missing-an-arm thing surprisingly well.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Worst Roommate

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr

His chest felt heavy, weighed down by some force and making it hard for him to take in a proper breath. Not that such a thing was abnormal; when was the last time he could breathe deeply and freely without the worry of someone else’s life fading out of his grasp? Since he was a child, that much he knew for sure. Death followed him like a mosquito, feeding and staying alive off his blood. His scent somehow attracting it no matter where he went, even into his profession, nipping him whenever he least expected it.

The biting itch that came with it, making his skin flame up in bright red irritation that marred him with ugly blotches and welts. Even now, his arm felt like it was covered in them. Disgusting insects, carrying disease and blood of other victims, stabbing its long, thin nose into him and draining his right arm of every last drop till it burned hotter than any heat he’d ever experienced, white flames consuming him. And it tingled, and then throbbed, begging for his attention. Get rid of it—

Get rid of it!

 _Get rid of it_!

Erwin opened his eyes to white and green. The two colors filled his vision, blurry and uncoordinated, shifting and changing shape when he tried to focus on a particular spot. It took some more glancing around to realize that the sound he was hearing was his own gasps for air. That could be what was making him dizzy, but it wasn’t the only thing.

His whole equilibrium felt twisted and off balance. Something was wrong with him. His body was sending him all kinds of mixed messages, but he knew he had to concentrate on regulating his breathing before he passed out again. Why had he been out in the first place?

He could remember snippets of the burning building. Three buildings of the apartment complex were engulfed from the ground floor up in solid black smoke and flames that refused to be tamed by the hoses trained on them. The water pressure in that part of town was always on the low side. The city’s water department was supposed to have fixed that after the tax cuts in the most recent term – Erwin had attended that meeting and brought up the subject himself. As a full time firefighter, he knew the dangers that could present in case of emergencies. Perhaps he should have knocked on wood after bringing it up, maybe that would have prevented the fire from happening.

He doubted it.

Right, the middle building had been the worst. He went inside looking for some kids, their mother worried sick. She had been out getting groceries when the fire started. Erwin assured her he’d find them himself. Mike and Hannes came in with him. There were three of them, two boys and a girl. They all looked to be the same age, too. They remained surprisingly calm when Erwin handed them off to the other two men to be carried out while he checked the rest of the floor. But then what?

He couldn’t remember, his thoughts just stopped there. No fuzzy image that he could squint his mind’s eye to see, nothing. It just ended abruptly like the last scene in a cliffhanger of a movie.

Mosquitos on his arms again. He hissed through his teeth and reached for his right arm with his other hand, grasping nothing.

No. That was wrong.

He was numb, right? He was just missing it somehow. He was woozy, so it’d be easy to flail around unseeingly without feeling a thing. Damn it, why wouldn’t his eyes focus?

“There’s nothing there.”

Erwin stilled, felt heat prickle his spine, soon followed by ice. He straightened his back, but found that it ached and he still felt lopsided. He turned his head to the voice, but all he saw was a splotch of black in the white and green. It was the only thing stationary in his swimming vision, and he kept his eyes trained on it, anchoring himself to the spot.

“You look pathetic, grabbing around for it.”

Erwin swallowed; his throat was stuffed of cotton. At least that’s how it felt when he tried to speak. “ _It_ ,” was the only word he could manage.

“Your arm,” the voice – male, Erwin ascertained, in his mid-twenties, maybe early thirties - clarified, completely void of any emotion other than boredom. It was as if the man sitting in the room with him was tired of explaining, having done it over and over again for people before Erwin. “It’s gone.”

The mosquitoes vanished, and with them they took Erwin’s stomach.

“What?”

“You don’t have a right arm, genius. It’s gone. Not there. Nonexistent. The doctor took it.”

Now the guy was just being an ass. Erwin didn’t feel like dealing with an asshole at the moment. He laid back in the bed he was stretched out on, closing his eyes to the white and the green. With a sigh, he collected his thoughts quickly. Okay, so he wasn’t quite sure what happened in that burning building, but he lost his arm – on a whim, he touched his big toes together under the blanket to make sure both his legs were there. He was still in the hospital, obviously. Either the man in the room with him was a nurse with horrible bedside manners, or another patient sharing the room. Most likely the latter, seeing as a nurse would be asking him questions about how he felt now that was awake. How long had he been out?

“How long have I been here?” Erwin asked, hoping the man wouldn’t become too exasperated with him.

“I’m not your damn nurse.” He was blunt about it, at least. “Hn… They wheeled you in here two nights ago. Gotta say, you were a better roommate when you were in a coma.”

Erwin kept his annoyance to himself, quelling any bad feelings towards the other man in that moment. He didn’t know the man, or his back story. Perhaps he had a reason for acting like a jerk. No matter, Erwin’s come across worse people than him – he thought briefly of his college roommate, Kitts Verman.

The man sitting in the bed right of him mumbled something barely audible above Erwin’s thoughts, and he turned his head towards him without opening his eyes, knowing he wouldn’t see anything. “What was that?”

A gruff sigh. “I said, it’s too bad the fire took your arm and not your ridiculous eyebrows instead.”

The man was trying to make a joke, either to make him feel better or amend for his rude comment from before, or both. Erwin wasn’t sure how he could tell, but he managed a small smile nonetheless.

Back to his thoughts. He had a minor concussion, that much he could tell. He didn’t feel any stiffness with his body other than the usual from lying on a bed, unmoving for so long, so he didn’t have any burn wounds from what he could tell. All in all, a concussion and losing an arm was nothing compared to what he’d seen other firefighters walk away with – if they could walk at all.

“You’re taking the whole missing-an-arm thing surprisingly well.” The man continued to speak despite his earlier vexations about doing so. It was possible Erwin could have read him wrong.

He gave a shrug in his reclined position, the gesture feeling strange without his arm. His shoulder felt lighter, but his chest still felt heavy. “I’m alive, aren’t I?”

“Alive and armless. You could write a book called that. I give you permission to use the title, I won’t ask for any royalties.” The man said, a hint of a smile in his tone. “Actually, depending on how popular it gets, I might. I could always use the extra cash.”

“Sure,” Erwin consented. “Might take me a while to write it with only one hand, though.”

“True. I’ll write it for you, but it’s going to cost extra.”

“That’s very kind of you…” He trailed off, searching for a name.

“Levi,” the man said not a half a second later.

“Levi…” Erwin tested out the name.

“Nice to meet you, Erwin Smith.”

Erwin frowned at hearing his name rolling off the man’s tongue so familiarly.

Obviously sensing Erwin’s confusion, Levi said, “I looked at your clipboard when I got up to take a shit the first night you were here. Found out you were a firefighter when two of your coworkers showed up the day after. One androgynous lady, and a guy with a weird sniffing habit.”

Mike and Nanaba, Erwin thought. He’d have to thank them for taking the time to visit him in the hospital. He would explain Mike’s queer sense of smell, but his throat burned with each word he spoke. Instead, he lifted his head off the pillows and squinted around. He could see a little clearer, but by that it was only the outline of furniture in the room. “Water..?” he croaked.

There was shuffling, and the creak of Levi getting out of bed. “They didn’t bring you any, because why would a sleeping man need to drink? I’ll give you mine. I haven’t touched it so there are no germs.”

“I’m not worried about germs…” Erwin sighed.

“I am.” Levi deadpanned.

He took his time making his way to Erwin’s side of the room, and in a vague haze, Erwin could make out that he was carting around an IV stand. Levi stood by his bed and Erwin was surprised, even if he couldn’t see too well, that the bed he was in came up to Levi’s hips. Or what he assumed were Levi’s hips, but the hospital gown he donned was hardly formfitting. He considered himself to have excellent visual judgment, but then again he was suffering from head trauma. And it was that very reason that he blamed himself for blurting out what he did next.

“You’re short.”

Levi stood there, stock still and silent, one hand on the IV stand and the other holding a cup of water. Then, in a motion that was too fast for Erwin’s aching eyes to catch, he stretched out his arm and upturned the cup over Erwin’s lap. The blanket soaked up most of the water, but the dampness and cold still shocked Erwin a bit.

“You were so much better in a coma.”


	2. Flightless Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin would make a poor bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter.  
> Originally posted on tumblr.

“Does it hurt?”

Erwin’s vision had returned to normal over the course of a few days in the hospital, and one of the first things he did was seek out Levi so that he could meet the man who had been keeping him company during his stay in the hospital. Levi himself had been discharged two days ago, but he came back every day around noon to sit with Erwin in the now much too empty room, and he didn’t leave until the nurses kicked him out.

At the moment Levi was leafing through a thin jobs list magazine, frowning at most of what he read. Now and then he would suggest one that he thought Erwin could do, even with his new disability, but for the most part he kept silent in search for himself.

The question was left unanswered for several long seconds as Erwin clumsily spooned mashed potatoes out of his lunch tray, trying not to move the damn thing too much. Levi didn’t offer to help and Erwin didn’t ask for it.

Erwin swallowed, licking his lips clean of the dry potatoes. Hospital food was never any good. “It feels like a mosquito bite. An itch I shouldn’t scratch even though it’s always there.”

Levi turned the page and stared at the rows of text. He rubbed his thumb and forefinger together as if to rid them of the news print. Erwin had found out that Levi despised filth of any kind, even when it came to sharing drinks. He claimed he wasn’t germaphobic, just that dust and dirt made him uncomfortable. Erwin didn’t mind his cleanliness habit one bit.

“Do you feel the phantom limb thing?”

Erwin glanced at the stub where his bicep would have begun. According to the doctors, while searching the apartment floor for anyone who might be trapped, a gas line erupted and blew out the wall next to him, jagged pieces of wood nearly severing his arm from the rest of his body. There had been no way for them to save it, which was deeply regrettable.

“Not particularly.” Erwin answered simply. Just insects, crawling and biting on an arm he couldn’t scratch.

“Hope you didn’t have an expensive watch on that arm.” Levi flipped another page, staring at a Rolex advertisement.

Erwin gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thankfully it was on my left arm.” He never wore a watch when suiting up.

“You could work at a zoo,” Levi suggested, his words muffled in the hand that was propping his head up. “You could be that guy that wears the leather glove and holds birds up for people to see.”

“I would still need my other arm to open the bird’s cage.”

“Let it go free afterwards,” Levi said. He sighed and scratched at his jaw with his other hand. It made Erwin feel itchy just watching him. “No one should be locked up in a cage or behind walls. Not even animals.”

Erwin stabbed at his green beans absentmindedly, his eyes drifting towards the row of windows that took up the northern wall of the room. It looked out of the depressing scenery of air condition systems lining the roof of the hospital’s collective buildings. “You’re right.”

Silence stretched between them and it wasn’t until after Erwin finished his lunch that Levi spoke again.

“You’d make a poor bird.”

Erwin snorted, and then laughed, surprising both himself and Levi, who took it with a smile.


	3. Visitation Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike visits Erwin in the hospital, and Levi and Erwin talk about sex. Or try to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr.

_The Mummy_  was playing on the TV when Mike came back for a visit. He greeted Levi casually, the other man acknowledging him with a nod before turning his attention to the screen mounted on the wall.

“The nurse told me you’ve been taking it fairly well.” Mike said after he let out a throaty exhale, plopping into the chair beside Erwin’s bed. His bangs were getting too long, Erwin noted.

“Taking it well…” Erwin glanced at his right side, feigning curiosity. It itched. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it itched and burned and made his back sweat with agitation and concentration. He didn’t know if his discomfort showed outwardly, but Levi never said anything so perhaps he was doing a better job at hiding it than he thought. “I’m getting used to it.”

Mike inclined his head, nostrils broadening as he inhaled deeply in Erwin’s general direction. His lips pressed into a tight line beneath his moustache, but then he smiled in a way that made the skin next to his eyes crinkle. It made Erwin ease up on the defenses he was beginning to build in case any questions were asked.

He didn’t want his friends worrying about him. The notion was nice, appreciated even, but entirely unnecessary; he refused to be coddled, looked upon with sympathy, or anything more of the sort. He would get through this on his own, in his own time, with his own resources.

He glanced over at Levi, his skin tight when charcoal eyes stared back at him. Levi didn’t seem perturbed about getting caught, just continued to look on as though he knew, at that very moment, that Erwin was feeling the mosquitoes. Slowly, Levi turned back to the TV where Brandon Fraser was using a knife to flick an ancient scarab out of John Hannah’s character’s shoulder.

“Nanaba and I would like to invite you to dinner at our place when you get out of here. She’s worried about you eating all this hospital food.” Mike waved his hand at the near empty tray that had yet to be cleared away by a nurse. The small container of apple sauce was the only thing left untouched.

“That’s very kind of you,” Erwin began, but he couldn’t bring himself to continue.

“I hear a ‘but’ coming.” Mike said knowingly, smile still in place despite knowing what was about to come.

“But now isn’t a good time for me,” Erwin admitted.

Mike nodded. “I’ll keep Nanaba off your back as long as I can. You know she’s just concerned since you have no one else to look after you.”

That much was true. He had put aside pursuing a relationship since becoming a full-time firefighter for the city; he couldn’t risk becoming involved with someone in the unfortunate incident that he not make it back from a call. He refused to put a loved one through a pain that left deep scars on the inside of one’s mind, to possibly have nothing left of him but a memory to mourn if it resolved badly. Every time he saw one of his coworkers return maimed, or attended a funeral for one, he grew increasingly grateful for making that decision. That much of his conscience was left void of guilt.

Mike stuck around till the end of the movie. Erwin inquired about the kids they had rescued together, Mike relaying the shared gratitude they expressed when the initial trauma had settled. The mother and kids had brought flowers to the station a couple of days after the fire. He left, waving to Levi who was standing and stretching due to being reclined for so long.

Erwin envied him. He wasn’t allowed to leave his bed without the assistance of a nurse, even when it came to using the bathroom – although Levi sometimes helped him escape that humiliation. He even offered to help Erwin wipe once, which the bigger man hastily, but politely, declined. He still had his other arm, which he was adjusting to using as the days went on. Learning to write was proving to be the most difficult so far, Levi critiquing his ‘piss poor excuse for cursive’ as barely passable and making him start over.

Levi took Mike’s seat and checked the clock on the wall. It was nearing ten o’clock, and a nurse would be coming by to tell him that he’d have to leave soon. The man knew this, but he never left before then. “I’m going to have to start going back to work after this weekend.”

Erwin realized that he didn’t know what Levi did for a living. The man had been in the hospital for his appendix, and it’s been almost a full week since his discharge, so of course he’d have to return to his job now. As weird as it was to admit, he was going to miss Levi.

They never spoke about  _why_  Levi continued to visit him; Erwin didn’t care to ask and Levi didn’t care to offer an explanation. He never thought of himself as a very interesting person —- he hardly stepped outside the norm unless it proved necessary; the wildest thing he ever did in college was skip out on his bar exam in favor of getting high with Mike, but by then he had already decided that he didn’t want to take over his father’s law firm. In a moment of defiance, as one final  _fuck you_ , he lit the joint himself and took the first hit. He didn’t see his father again after that, not until his funeral. He still wasn’t sure if he genuinely regretted his decision, or if he regretted it because the guilt made him feel as though he had to, that he was a rotten son for not.

“I’ll miss having you around,” Erwin said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” Levi folded his arms over his chest, one leg crossed over the other. “Don’t worry, you’ll still be seeing me around. I know you can’t go a day without my presence.”

“Yes, you are the light giving lamp in my life. I don’t know how I survived without you all this time.” Erwin admitted in mock admiration.

“Do not fret, I am here now, damsel.”

“My savior.”

“Okay, shut up.”

The corner of Erwin’s lips twitched upward involuntarily. Levi returned the look, but it faded quickly when a nurse came in with the time. They thanked the young man and looked back at each other.

“When are you getting out of here anyway?” Levi asked, not making any move to get up.

“Is my prince planning on sweeping me off my feet?” The words left Erwin’s mouth before he could even register what had been said. Was he flirting? The last time he had toyed with someone was when he had forgotten his wallet and he couldn’t pay for his drinks at the bar. He walked away that night Scott free with a phone number in his pocket that he ended up tossing in a trashcan on the sidewalk a few blocks away.

Even Levi seemed stumped by his ridiculous question. He chose to ignore it, thankfully. To a degree, at least. “You really don’t have someone at home waiting for you.”

It was a statement more than a question, but Erwin answered it anyway. “That’s right.”

“ _Why_?” Levi pressed.

“Why?”

“Why  _not_? Shouldn’t men your age be married? You’re one of those pretty guys that end up with super models for wives and have perfect children. Kind of like inbreeding.”

Erwin frowned at that last bit. He explained his stance on relationships when it came to his job in a few words, not sure why he felt the need to defend his single status. Mosquitoes swarmed his arm again and he almost reached to scratch it. They were always there, but it became more noticeable when the subject of his job came up, or when there was nothing left to distract him from them. If it wasn’t for the fact that he got random bouts of drowsiness from the concussion, he was sure he’d be awake all night, thinking about slapping away those pesky mosquitoes.

“I wouldn’t let that stop me. That just means you should be banging like it’s your last day on Earth. Sure, I get not wanting to settle down and leaving a widow and kids behind. Makes sense. But at least get some kind of action. When’s the last time you got laid?”

“Is this really necessary to talk about?” Erwin muttered.

“Not really. You don’t know me. I barely know you. I’ve seen you take a shit, though, so I’m going out on a limb here.” Levi looked legitimately offended, either from conjuring the memory of assisting the concussed Erwin to the restroom or from the mere fact that Erwin wasn’t willing to discuss his lack of a sex life.

It wasn’t that Erwin didn’t feel comfortable enough with Levi to discuss such topics, but the fact of the matter was that Erwin was exhausted and the mosquitoes were angry and wings beating against his stump, noses tickling and itching him fiercely.

“I’m going to try to get some sleep. Okay?”

Levi exhaled, but didn’t appear annoyed or disappointed. Sometimes he was impatient with Erwin, but tonight he was relaxed. He stood and leaned over Erwin to help adjusts his pillows. Then he was leaving, only looking back at Erwin as a silent farewell before switching off the overhead light, leaving Erwin in the greenish lamp light from over his bed, and closing the door behind him.

Erwin touched his stub gently, grimacing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I have written for this little idea. If there's anything you want to see happen or discussed, let me know and I'll try to make a chapter out of it. Let me know what you think in general, and if I should continue with this little au. Comments and criticism are appreciated! Thanks for reading.


	4. Oxycodone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin gets high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, it's kind of a filler.

Erwin Smith was stoned, and it was all that damn nurse’s fault. Janice, a five foot five woman with dirty blonde hair that she pulled back tightly into a bun made of tiny, compressed ringlets. She asked him questions that Erwin had no intention of answering, like if Mr. Smith felt anything he would describe as weird sensations where his right arm should be.

He felt everything. He could feel it clenching right now, straining, as though picking up a thirty pound dumbbell to exercise in the lax moments of his on-duty hours at the station. And with that clamping of muscles came the mosquitoes that were slowly driving him mad.

Instead of explaining how sore his muscles felt in his nonexistent arm, Erwin told her that he felt fine. He asked how her kids were doing; the older one was attending a new school this year, correct? He wanted to hear all about it.

Janice entertained his questions, but just for a couple of minutes. Mothers could always detect bullshit, an instinct as keen as Mike’s nose. She said she was going to give him something for the pain that Erwin had denied even having in the first place for the sake of getting discharged soon. The stump of his right shoulder had stopped spotting the bandages with blood two days ago, his skin was beginning to heal around the thick lines of stitches that he had been accidentally pulling at whenever he moved since he got them, and he was so, so itchy.

Erwin just wanted to go home, have a beer or three, watch a baseball game, and then go to bed at a reasonable time.

He took the medicine like a good, respectable patient, and Janice promised to check on him in a few hours. She turned on the TV with the remote and then left it on the side table within Erwin’s reach. The weather channel was on, and it was showing the heat indexes across the country.

He sat there in the bed, unmoving, very aware of the effects of the medication making his body feel like it was dissolving in the hospital bed, starting at his scalp, through his arm and stump, down to his toes. It was an odd kind of exhilaration, the utter relaxation his body was feeling in that moment.

A commercial played on TV, something about an awning company, and Erwin laughed to himself. Someone had actually paid to make a commercial about their awning company, and awning was such a funny word, and the people in the commercial were just too happy about fabric stretched out on metal bars over a carport or balcony. The commercial was ridiculous, people were ridiculous. Erwin was ridiculous for laughing so much, but now he was laughing because he was laughing, and under his breath he cursed out Nurse Janice.

Half an hour into his medicated high, Levi showed up. Erwin hadn’t seen him for two whole days, he was certain that the other man had grown tired of him, and in his euphoric state of mind, he could admit that it made him a little sad. A lot of sad, really.

“You’re back!” Erwin didn’t mean to shout.

“And you’re high off your rocker.” Levi sounded more amused than annoyed, and he took up his seat in the chair beside Erwin’s bed, angling it so that he could see the door out of his peripheral while also facing Erwin.

“The nurse gave me some pills for the ‘pain’.” Erwin used air quotes, and he dropped his hand back down immediately.

Levi got up to check Erwin’s chart, and that’s when Erwin noticed what he was wearing. “I can’t believe you’re high on Oxycodone.”

Erwin didn’t answer him. “Levi...? You’re a nurse?”

Levi was donning mute green scrubs that looked a little big on him in the shoulders, a grey t-shirt peeking out of the dip in the V of the scrubs, and black slip-ons with brown rubber soles, completely slip resistant.

“No, you dork.” He sat down again, lifting one leg and crossing it at the ankle over his thigh. “I’m an orderly. A nurse’s assistant. You think I have the time and money for medical school?”

Erwin couldn’t stop smiling. Levi worked in this hospital as an orderly and even though he had the week off, should have been resting in bed and not putting too much strain on his stitches, he had still shown up to his place of employment to keep Erwin company.

Erwin wasn’t sure if this was the drugs talking, but he was pretty sure he was in love with Levi, in the purest, childish meaning of the word. In love in the kind of way that four year olds promise to marry other four year olds, and propose with ring pop candy or twist ties or plastic trinket jewelry from quarter machines at the grocery store.

Levi was talking, and Erwin had to force himself to listen.

“She’s a shitty four-eyed loser when you get to know her personally, but in my professional opinion, I believe she’s the best. I help her with patients all the time, and I can assist her with you, too, if that makes you more comfortable.”

Erwin blinked, stared, tried to discern what the hell Levi was talking about. “Levi…” he said the name with such reverence that the shorter man’s dark eyes widened just a fraction, but it was noticeable on his usually passive face. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You shit for brains.” Levi hissed. Levi always found an excuse to talk about shit, somehow. “I was telling you about a physical therapist at this hospital. Since your head is full of dick cheese right now, I’ll talk to you about it later.”

Erwin’s cheeks were growing stiff from all the grinning he was doing. “Mmmh, thank you.”

“Go to sleep, you over-sized clown.” Levi reached over and snatched the remote from the table, changing the channel to the food network.

Erwin was indeed feeling drowsy, and for once the hospital bed felt comfortable. “Will you be here when I wake up?”

“Probably not,” Levi confessed, not meeting Erwin’s tiring gaze, instead turning up the volume. “I have to get back to work in ten minutes. I’ll come back after my shift ends in the evening. I’ll bring you food. What do you want?”

Erwin was out before he could answer.


	5. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin makes a break through in his physical therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short as hell chapter, but the big guy is making progress, so it's an important chapter.

Hange Zoe was, to put it politely, eccentric. It was day three of Erwin’s physical therapy under her careful instructions, and twenty minutes into the session had him flushing like a prepubescent school boy that had accidentally walked in on their hot cousin getting out of the shower.

“Come on, Erwin!” Hange cheered, pumping her fists in the air and squirming about so erratically in her plastic chair that Erwin was certain she was going to topple to the floor at any minute. “Clench it like you’re cranking your own dick!”

Erwin’s ear reddened, joining the rest of his face, and he glanced at Levi who was watching them with a fixed gaze, his medical blue scrubs looking a little baggy on him today, as always. Erwin supposed it was a little hard to find clothes in his size. He would have suggested him simply trying on a pair of women’s scrubs, but he didn’t want Levi to dump water on him again. The man was a little testy about his stature, though he pointed out that it didn’t hinder him in his line of work.

Levi’s head fell to the side a little, his thick, silky hair cutting across his high cheekbones like a curtain of black. His nose was straight, narrow in the bridge, but bubbled out around the nostrils, the tip curved attractively. It appeared a little big on his face, his eyebrows and lips thin and bookmarking it, but his jaw was strong, squared, a little wide, made his face perfectly balanced.

“Don’t be embarrassed!” Hange slapped him on the back and Erwin grunted in surprise at her strength, the skin stretched over his spine hot and stinging from the impact. “We’re all prone to a little self-indulgence, right Levi?”

Levi’s storm cloud eyes narrowed, his upper torso leaning forward to rest muscled forearms on his knees. “Are we talking about physical therapy or masturbation?”

Hange’s face fell, and she corrected her wire-rimmed glasses on her nose. “Guess we did get off topic there, huh?”

“As always,” Levi commented offhandedly.

“Erwin,” Hange began in a familiar tone. She was very personable, and while on the overtly aberrant side, Erwin did feel a comfort in her presence, her no-quitter attitude. He sincerely believed that he could overcome his disability with her help, but only if he applied himself. “One of the first steps in physical therapy is decreasing the pain.”

She paused, and after a few moments of silence, Erwin nodded. “I know.”

“This may sound backwards, but the best way to learn to relax muscles is to clench them.”

“Think of it like your sphincter.” Levi contributed, unhelpfully.

“Yeah, like that!” Hange suddenly fell quiet as she studied the bandaged stump of Erwin’s right shoulder. Her brown eyes were big, full of wonder for every little thing that lived and breathed around her. “Be honest with me, Erwin,” She said his name a lot. “What does your right arm feel like right now?”

Erwin returned her stare, his jaw tensing under the wrath of the mosquitoes, stabbing, stabbing, stabbing. “Nothing,” he tried. Tried to lie to those watchful eyes that seemed to see all truths and lies within Erwin, like a balancing scale that was becoming more and more askew every time he told someone that his arm _only hurt a little, all he needed was some pain killers and he’d be fine_ , but pain killers didn’t get rid of the burning.

Hange’s eyebrows pulled together, the only movement she made, barely breathing, barely a sound in the room besides the ticking of the clock and the random clunk from the A/C unit mounted on the wall. Erwin couldn’t get better unless he put his faith in Hange, couldn’t feel right again without her help in getting him there, and he was lying to her face when the only desire she had was to see him functioning comfortably despite the amputation, despite the wings beating against his nonexistent limb, itching.

“It feels like…” he began, watching Hange, hyper-aware of Levi sitting behind him, listening. He swallowed and his throat felt too small for his body, like the weight of admitting that there was something wrong, something he couldn’t overcome, would crush him at any moment. “Like mosquitoes are on my arm. Hundreds of mosquitoes drinking from a limb that isn’t there anymore, so I can’t fight them off. It itches, and burns, and I want to scratch it. It keeps me awake at night.”

There was a modicum of relief in his chest, finally sharing with someone the very bane of his existence at that point in his life. He swallowed again, his throat clear. Levi was watching him, Erwin could feel his narrow eyes on the back of his neck, but he didn’t turn to meet the gaze, nor did Levi contribute anything.

Hange didn’t move from her spot, but a grin was slowly spreading wide across her face. “We’re making progress.” Simple as that.

Erwin believed her.


	6. Nomination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fire chief pays Erwin a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm running off to Germany to spend six weeks with my partner, and my boss, who visits China regularly, KNOWS the pains of having to pack for a long vacation and still schedules me a full work schedule the week before I leave with twenty hours overtime. I swear, he's thinking along the lines of "you leave for six weeks I make you work six weeks in one week"

“I should have stopped by sooner,” Keith Shadis placed a vase of store bought lilies on the chest next to Erwin’s hospital bed. He was hesitant on where to put it, obviously not wanting to take up too much space or obscure Erwin’s vision of the digital clock or other get-well-soon bouquets that were on the verge of wilting.

“There is fine, sir.” Erwin couldn’t help the smile on his lips, many years used to the inevitable sense of awkward that radiated off the fire chief.

When Erwin was a wet behind the ears fireman, Shadis was a strong, imposing force that made one second guess their decisions if it meant saving their own life or one of a civilian or comrade’s. His voice would boom, command attention, and it still did when they were on calls, but if one got to know Shadis privately as Erwin had the honor to do so, they would realize that this man possessed not a single concept of personal social ability. Erwin often had to write Shadis’s thank you notes for Christmas cards and birthday gifts, and he would help his chief purchase the appropriate flowers or wine for special occasions, whether for business or pleasure.

As if following Erwin’s train of thoughts, Shadis gave a sheepish huff. “I saved us both the embarrassment, and you the trouble, by buying the flowers myself this time.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, sir,” Erwin said, ever so polite. “Only, white lilies are usually given for funerals.”

Shadis’s tanned skin discolored in embarrassment, and he cleared his throat roughly. “I never was any good at these things…”

“As I said, I appreciate the sentiment.” Erwin took a moment to study the lilies; the white peddles dusted with the orange pollen from the stamen, the distinct scent of the flower overpowering all the others momentarily. They were beautiful, and still had a few closed buds that he’d get to watch blossom as the days passed. He only had a number of days before he would be discharged from the hospital, but if the lilies were still alive and well, he’d take them home.

Home. As much as he wanted to get out of the hospital, he wanted to go home even less. Home, where he was going to have to learn a whole new way of functioning in the place he’s lived since he was in his early twenties. Hange had revealed all kinds of options for Erwin to continue living a very normal, independent lifestyle without having to make too many drastic changes to his living quarters (“And your insurance covers all of it!” she had exclaimed excitedly). She had plenty enthusiasm for the both of them, he decided, and that was his excuse for the small smile and nod of understanding when she told him about the cutting boards and jar openers and one-handed knives for people with only one functioning arm.

“I’m getting old, Smith,” Shadis muttered in a defeated, gravelly voice, possibly hoarse from years of barking orders at emergency calls, but he sounded the same from when Erwin first met him. “I’ve been doing this job for a while,” He was talking specifically about being commanding officer; Erwin could hear it between his words. “Natural disasters and fire prevention and emergency calls at three in the morning…I never thought I was much suited for this position.”

“You were appointed for a reason, sir.” Erwin commented, a sick feeling settling in his stomach. Was he supposed to be showing his commanding officer, the very man that had recruited him and made him the man that he was today – or, well, the man he was before the accident, because in the past few weeks he felt like just a poorly penciled outline of himself drawn in the dark (or with his left arm, if he felt like finding some humor in the situation) – pity? Sympathy for his hard spent nights keeping the general public safe? Erwin couldn’t will the feelings to present themselves even if he tried to.

Another reason his insides were churning was because, for once damning his perceptive ability, he knew exactly what was coming before it could be spoken to reality.

“Let’s drop the formalities, Erwin.” Shadis sighed, the soft sound making Erwin want to vomit into the plastic hospital pink bucket kept beside his bed.

His lips tightened, felt like they were shrinking on his face, and he wondered what his face looked like at that moment. Thankfully, Shadis wasn’t looking directly at him because he was so terrible at these things indeed.

“I always imagined that you’d take my place when I retired. You’re a natural born leader-”

“Sir-”

“You always have a plan, work well under stressful situations-”

“And look how well that did for me-”

“ _Erwin_.” Shadis looked directly at him. Right into Erwin’s tired, bloodshot eyes, and the mosquitoes swarmed like a tidal wave made of anxiety, flooding across his skin from the fingers of where his right arm would be if it were there, clutching his hospital blanket until his knuckles bled white from hyper tension. They swarmed, wings and noses and long legs itching his shoulder and neck and jaw and behind his ears, in his scalp, behind his eyeballs, under his armpits, against his sternum, settling everywhere in his body, making him want to kick and scream and scratch his skin and muscles clean off his bones.

But Erwin held still, upright in bed, knees locked and shoulders straight if not a little lopsided from the loss of weight on his right side.

“I want to nominate you as the next chief of the fire department.” Shadis finally said it openly, but it still shook Erwin to his very core.

He released a breath, hadn’t realized he’d stopped breathing in the first place. His neck felt like it was full of whirring cogs, like he was an animatronic at a kid’s entertainment center, as he turned to look out the window, at the obvious seam in the sheetrock beneath the paint on the walls, at the empty bed where Levi used to rest in beside him. He wondered where Levi was, briefly.

Erwin couldn’t think of a proper response, a polite way to word _hell no_. He tried a hand at the dry humor that he had picked up from Levi. “In case you haven’t noticed, sir, I’m missing an arm.” It felt as horribly distasteful in his mouth as it had sounded.

Shadis was beginning to look uncomfortable, and Erwin hoped it would spur the older man into taking his leave. But Shadis remained in the chair, shoulders sagged a little, navy blue polo looking awfully baggy on his tall, awkward but lean torso. Again, Erwin thought of Levi and his poorly fitted scrubs.

“You’re still a perfectly able-bodied man, Smith.” He reverted back to formality as if to spite Erwin. “I know now isn’t the best time to bring this up with you. You’re still in recovery. The doctor said your concussion-”

Erwin realized his attitude was less than grateful, considering everything Shadis has done for him, and he quickly attempted to amend the situation while still remaining honest. “I’m sorry. You were trying to reward me, for what I’m not sure, maybe you feel bad for me, but I don’t deserve such a title.”

Shadis was quiet for several loud moments, many things obviously weighing on his tongue, but he cleared his throat instead. He stood, rubbed his large palms on the thighs of his faded blue jeans. “I want you to think about it, Erwin.” Formalities dropped again. “I don’t feel bad for you. You are no less a man just because you lost your damn arm. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you realize you are still a human being, the sooner you can begin your recovery. Someone needed to tell you that. In case that wasn’t clear enough for you,” Shadis inhaled, and he straightened his back in the way he usually did for salutes at graduation ceremonies. “Grow up. Get it together, Smith. And shave your damn face, you look like you’ve been living under a bridge.”

Keith Shadis walked to the door stiffly and pulled it open with more force than necessary, and he seemed to realize that, too. “I’ll call on you some other day.” And just as self-consciously as he came in, he left, closing the door softly behind him.

Erwin was stunned into silence for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that Levi will be present in the next chapter! My partner actually didn't want me to post this before the next chapter I had planned, but c'est la vie.
> 
> (And please don't hate on Shadis. Someone needed to kickstart Erwin into his emotional recovery and no, it can't always be Levi. People in need of physical and emotional recovery cannot depend on just a sole person, they need a whole support system, and Erwin is developing that in the people surrounding him.)


	7. Baseball, But Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi helps Erwin work on his hand-eye coordination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of blood in this chapter, but nothing explicitly graphic, don't worry! I don't even know if it's worth mentioning, but just in case...
> 
> I just want to take a minute to thank everyone for their wonderful comments and for all those who are silently sticking with this story. It means a lot, keeps me motivated. I also want to thank my partner who I randomly drop ideas on (like this chapter in particular). They inspire me in so many ways, and dragged me back to writing after a two year hiatus.
> 
> Ugh, okay, enough, go read.

The heat index outside was well into the upper nineties, Erwin having glanced at his smartphone that morning and internally groaned at the large font size numbers, accompanied by the miniature Fahrenheit symbol. There was forty-nine percent humidity to top it off, and when Erwin and Levi stepped outside, Erwin immediately felt his skin become dewy. Even with the sun dipping further and further down into the sky, perched just above the tree line across the road from the hospital grounds, the air still held the muggy heat of midday.

“Why can’t we do this inside?” Erwin asked, keeping the whine out of his tone.

“Because you’ll break something.” Levi stated simply, leading them around the building to a shady, empty lot next to the hospital. Erwin could swear that he heard Levi mutter _‘I just know it somehow’_ under his breath.

“Shouldn’t we be using the rubber ball that Hange had me working with?” Erwin eyed the baseball cupped in Levi’s glove. It was clean, bleach white, and Erwin would assume it was brand new if the rubbed thin red threads didn’t tell him otherwise of its use.

“Are you hearing yourself?” Levi’s voice and expression were casual, no bite to his words. “You tell people not to coddle you or underestimate you, but you limit yourself. You’re the one setting the pace here, Erwin. We’re all just playing by your rules.”

Erwin bit the inside of his cheek, thick, wiry eyebrows drawing together in a frown. Was he really restricting himself? He hadn’t noticed until now, but recalling his conversation with Shadis the day before, maybe he was pushing people away under the guise of accusations of pitying. People were concerned for him, for his mental and physical wellbeing, they were compassionate. Mike, Nanaba, Shadis, his mother was unable to leave the nursing home to visit him but still called every day as if he made progress with his recovery each passing day.

Erwin could feel his skin getting prickly and sweaty inside the confines of the rubber sleeve that they made him wear over the nub on his right shoulder. Levi was strolling beside him, and Erwin was sure, if he still had his arm, it would casually brush against Levi’s left arm due to their proximity.

“How do I,” He had to stop, swallow, his throat burning from the heat outside and inside his body. “Accept kindness?”

Levi tossed the ball high in the air, straight up, stood still in his place with arms raised to catch it when gravity sent it right back to him. “I’m not a shrink, I don’t fucking know. How about common courtesy? Just grin and bear it and say thank you. Sheesh.” He tossed the ball again, didn’t speak again until it hit the center of his mitt. “I’m only here to pick you up when you fall down, not counsel you.”

Erwin opened his mouth to say something about that, but Levi continued on in the same breath.

“Here’s good. Stand right there, I’m going on ahead. Take this.” Levi held out the baseball for Erwin, dropping it into his big left palm. He walked on for about fourteen feet before turning back to Erwin. “Okay,” he called. “Ready?”

“What are we doing?” Erwin squeezed the ball in his hand, so hard the stitches began to leave imprints in his flesh.

“We’re practicing your hand-eye coordination with your left arm. Since it needs to be your dominant arm now, you need to train it with motor skills. So we’re going to practice throwing a baseball. Your target is my glove. Got it?”

Sounded simple enough. Erwin loved baseball, played it when he was just a kid, all the way through high school. He wasn’t the best on the team, wasn’t even good enough to get a scholarship, but it kept him in shape and he had fun. He hadn’t played since then, though, and he had always used his right arm when throwing.

“Getting old here, Erwin.” Levi droned.

Erwin shook his head, cleared the choking thoughts that surrounded him like dense smog, the little voice in his head that told him this was going to be difficult, too difficult for his left arm, he was going to look like a fool, he was incapable, he wasn't whole anymore, how could he—

Erwin threw the ball, all frustration and fear stuck to it, and watched it with piercing blue eyes as it strayed far to the left and way over Levi’s head. His nostrils flared around hot, humid, hard breaths, but his chest never felt so light.

Levi jogged after the ball, staring incredulously at Erwin when he returned. “Were you even aiming at the glove?”

“No,” Erwin laughed.

Levi threw the ball underhanded to Erwin and, somehow, Erwin caught it between his chest and hand, fumbled with it a little but kept his grip.

They kept this up, back and forth, back and forth, Erwin only managing to get the ball to meet Levi’s glove once amidst thirty-two terrible and far off misses. He would be staring straight at the opened glove when he threw, but for some reason, as soon as the ball left his fingertips, it veered off to the left or right, forcing Levi to chase after it with a huff of annoyance that Erwin decided to ignore in favor of taking control of his left arm muscles.

He could do this…

“Come on, Erwin, you can do this.” Levi said as though voicing Erwin’s thoughts aloud. “Let’s try this. Look at me. Look right at my face.” Erwin’s breath hitched, his cheeks and chest and the soles of his feet warming as his eyes took in Levi’s determined visage, those eyes a vortex he wanted to jump into without a safety line. “And throw.”

Erwin nodded, keeping his eyes on Levi. He could understand where Levi was trying to go with this. Maybe if he didn’t focus so much on the glove, if his eyes were focused on something else, his arm would follow the course and the ball wouldn’t trail off so much. If he was looking to the right, his arm would go to the right as well, and when the ball veered left it would actually make contact with the mitt.

“Okay, let’s try it.” Levi said, setting up his arm, glove outstretched to catch the ball.

Erwin reeled his arm back, pulling a pitcher’s form as best he could, but he lost his balance the moment he went to throw, the sweat on his palm making the ball have more of a backspin than he meant for it to. “Levi!” he shouted in panic.

It was too late. Erwin could hear the sound of the impact from where he stood, and he winced, teeth gritting.

“Fuck!” Levi cried, shaking his left arm out violently to rid it of the baseball glove, clasping his hands over his nose once it was free. “Fuck!” He cussed again, this time muffled by his palms. “Jesus Christ, Erwin! _Jesus fucking Christ_!”

“Are you okay?” Erwin ran over to him immediately, reaching an arm out to touch a hunched shoulder gently. “Oh god, you’re bleeding. Lean forward, spit out any blood that gets in your mouth, don’t-”

“Jesus fuck, Erwin, I work in a hospital, I _know_!” Levi hissed, words a little distorted from the blood dribbling down his lips. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” The profanities went on and on, making Erwin chuckle without meaning to. “Fuck, did I piss you off or something? What the hell is with that canon of an arm, what the hell?! God, that’s actually fucking sexy…”

Erwin’s core temperature flashed white hot. “What did you just say?”

“I said I think you broke my fucking nose!” Levi spit some blood out onto the patch of grass between their feet.

Erwin didn’t think twice before peeling off the shirt they had borrowed from the hospital, a green set of scrubs, and offered it to Levi.

“Ew, _no_ , you’ve been sweating in that,” Levi said, gripping his nose and turning away from Erwin.

“Shut up and just press it to your nose. You’re not going to smell any of it anyway. Come on, take it, and let’s go back inside and get you looked at.” Erwin thrust the top at Levi again, who took it with outward reluctance, like it was covered in something far worse than sweat.

“Stob lawfing!” Levi said, words obscured by the fabric and blood. His nose was beginning to swell, Erwin could see the bridge purpling already.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin choked back. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This isn’t funny, it’s not…”

Levi scoffed, trudging next to him towards the hospital’s entrance. “Ib’s a libble funny.”

Erwin grinned, wiping a tear from his eye before it could threaten to break free. “I’m sorry.”

Levi grunted.

“I’ll buy you dinner to make up for it.” Erwin’s cheeks were beginning to hurt from all the laughing and smiling. “When they discharge me, I promise I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Levi gave him a sideways glance, and Erwin was too busy inspecting the darkening on the bridge of Levi’s nose to notice the way those grey eyes lingered on his exposed abdomen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this bit quickly while making brownies before work, which explains why it's so rushed. It's purpose is to be a little picker upper after Erwin and Shadis's chapter.
> 
> (Considering posting a Mosquito Bite playlist for everyone to listen to, but it's too early..........)


	8. Shark Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has something to prove to Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while to get out. I returned from Germany on the 15th of October, and I finally feel settled down enough to return to writing. I hope this chapter doesn't leave too much to be desired. It's a bit rushed. I wrote most of it in Germany, actually.

Erwin Smith hated body symmetry awareness exercises. It forced him to look, to really see his body, his scarred tissue on the stump of his shoulder, the dark bags that swelled under his eyes , his hair that refused to stay in place without gel, the stubble that lined his jaw and scattered patches on his cheeks.

He wasn’t quite ready to take a sharp razor to his face with his left hand, but he felt he was gaining better control over it. Hange had him doing several different exercises in therapy sessions, and Levi no longer assisted him unless it proved absolutely necessary. Erwin was left to open doors in the hospital, wash his hand (with Levi’s supervision, because he ‘didn’t want Erwin touching anything with a shit covered hand’), reach for items, balance his tray in the cafeteria.

Every day he was improving more and more, his self-esteem returning with each new achievement, but there was one area he needed work, and no matter how hard he tried, how conscious he was of this bad habit, he couldn’t seem to break it.

“Come on, Erwin. Surely you feel it, right? Isn’t your back just killing ya?” Hange had terrible humor, but she seemed to be enough of an audience for herself, because Levi and Erwin didn’t laugh with her.

It was true that the developed muscles in his back ached from his awkward posture. He felt it in his shoulders, too. His body was always tense, always in protest, but he was able to ignore it until Hange forced him to recognize it.

He was standing in front of a tall mirror, a tall one with a white plastic frame on wheels, and his right shoulder dipping a whole inch lower than normal, body overcompensating for the loss of weight on that side.

“You could end up developing scoliosis, you know,” Hange said, almost an afterthought.

He knows, he _knows_ , _he knows_. And in front of a mirror, he can correct it. He is able to see his mistake as well as feel it, and it only takes the tipping up of his right shoulder to correct it. However, when the mirror is put away, when he’s sitting in the plastic chair of the physical therapy room, when he’s eating lunch outside with Levi, when he’s playing cards with Mike and Nanaba, when he’s reading alone in bed, it’s leaning. His body leans and tenses and muscles twist in tight, intricate knots that feel like hot iron under his skin.

“It’ll be easier once we fit you with a prosthetic, but for now-”

“Hange,” Levi interjected, so suddenly Erwin thought he had imagined it. The swelling in his nose had gone down, but it was cloaked in a nasty blue and purple and yellow bruise. “Let’s cut the crap. Clearly this guy is so full of self-pity that he can’t even shit right.”

Erwin’s eyebrows furrowed so deep that he could see the thick blond hairs at the top line of his vision. He was used to Levi’s abrasive attitude by now, no longer startled into silence by his brash words. There were times he took Levi to heart, times when curt responses ricocheted off him like a ball hitting a glass wall. And then there were the periods, like the one Erwin was experiencing at that very moment, where the mere flat tone of Levi’s voice sent jolts of anger through Erwin’s spine.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Erwin snapped. His hand curled into a fist, fingernails biting into the heel of his palm.

“Did I stutter?” Levi asked, eyes half lidded and set deeply in his skull.

“No, you’re just being rude, and I don’t appreciate it.” Erwin turned back to the mirror and straightened out his shoulders, but kept his eyes on Levi.

“Levi only has two settings,” Hange chimed in. “Blunt and inconsiderate, or apathetically offensive. We’ve been working on his bedside manners, haven’t we Levi?”

Levi didn’t answer her, his eyes remaining a tornado in the midst of a calm, infinite terrain, sucking all the oxygen from Erwin’s lungs with just a glance. He clicked his tongue after several seconds of nothing but hospital sounds in place of silence. “Where’s the kid?”

It took a moment for Erwin to comprehend that Levi was not asking him, but Hange.

“Not in his room, I can tell you that much.” Hange used her pointer finger to push her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. “Are you planning to…”

“Yup.” Levi pushed himself up and snapped his fingers at Erwin, momentarily bringing Erwin back to focus from his mental state of pondering. “You, sit. I’ll be right back.” He left Hange and Erwin sitting in the therapy room’s plastic chairs.

“He’s taking over my session.” Hange snickered, jotting something down on her rarely used clipboard. In fact, Erwin was positive he’d never seen her actual write anything on his file; it would sit, forgotten, as he did his weight lifting and muscle training exercises.

Erwin wasn’t sure what to do with himself in the time it would take Levi to find whoever he was looking for. It wasn’t like he had somewhere to be; he wasn’t going to be discharged for another two days, and the more he thought about that, the more he felt swallowed in apprehension.

Hange had already given him her number, the one for her personal cellphone, and told him to call her if he found himself struggling to get back into his normal routine (“Which is completely possible,” she had promised) or, she had added with a warm grin, if he wanted someone to grab a beer with. Erwin had briefly wondered if she was hitting on him, but Levi had already informed him that Hange was happily settled in a five (going on six) year relationship with a pharmacist named Moblit.

That gave Erwin pause. For the first time since meeting Levi, Erwin allowed himself to actually think about the man’s personal life outside of the hospital. Levi was a million puzzle pieces that didn't fit together no matter which way you turned them, and no picture on a box to look to for guidance. Erwin couldn’t figure out for the life of him what Levi’s angle was, why he had taken such an interest in Erwin. It wasn’t like he treated Erwin specially, not with the way his attitude was towards him half the time, such as just before he left. He snapped at Erwin all the time, words laced with fangs and venom and hurtful, but he also encouraged (reinvigorated, really) Erwin to cope and confide in others, to heal mentally and physically and emotionally, all in his own uncouth and unorthodox way.

Levi was a hurricane of emotions, not in himself, but in Erwin, and Erwin dreamed of those storm cloud eyes, the image of Levi staring up at him through a curtain of dark hair was painted on the inside of Erwin’s eyelids. Erwin knew what this was called, remembered this feeling from long ago when he was a firefighter in training. He thought himself a little old for crushes, but that was the grade school word for it.

The mere thought brought forth a surge mosquitos, feasting on him and the extra blood his heart pumped for Levi when the man was in the room. Erwin inhaled sharply.

“Are you experiencing pain in your shoulder?” Hange asked, brown eyes on him with pinpoint attentiveness. “Is it phantom or residual?”

“Mosquitoes.” Erwin said simply, unable to meet her gaze. He didn’t want her to ask if something spurred them on, something he was thinking about, but he had an inkling that she was already coming up with her own assumptions.

Levi returned no more than four minutes later, speed walking into the room with a boy right at his heels. The newcomer trumped over Levi by a few inches, but had a face easily recognized as a minor. The kid’s eyes scanned the room, landing on Erwin and dousing him in an ocean glittering under the sun.

“This is Eren Jaeger,” Levi jabbed a thumb in the boy’s direction. “I think you two should talk.”

Erwin tried not to stare at the prosthetic arm and leg on Eren’s left side, instead shifting his gaze to the healthy, sun kissed complexion that covered lean muscles on his right side.

Levi pushed Eren down in a chair and took the one next him, sitting between Eren and Erwin.

“What should I say?” Eren asked, his eyes wide, visage intense. He clearly wanted to do right by Levi, and he kept swapping his gaze between the two older men.

“Tell him why you’re here, Eren.”

Erwin knew why Eren was here, the same reason as Erwin, that much was obvious. If he was honest with himself, though, he’d have to admit he was a little (a lot) curious about Eren’s situation, so he remained silent.

“Just got fitted for a prosthetic arm.” Eren admitted bluntly.

“Start from the beginning, brat.” Levi glanced at Erwin and rolled his eyes, and Erwin gave a tiny smile at the short man’s exasperation.

“I was surfing in Australia,” Eren begins, startling Erwin into focus. “It was awesome. The Great Barrier Reef is dying out, so my parents brought me and my two best friends there for summer vacation last year. I was learning how to surf, it took me forever to get the hang of it, but once I learned to balance I felt like I could do anything.” He paused, glanced at Levi to see if he was doing okay. Levi nodded, Eren continued. “It was midday, and hardly anyone was on the stretch of beach by our hotel, so I decided to try going out by myself.

“Everything was going great. And then, suddenly, I was knocked off my surf board. I wasn’t sure what happened, but I just swam back to my board. My friends were yelling at me from the shore, but I couldn’t hear them, I had too much water in my ears or something. I was holding onto the board with my arms, just floating in the water and watching my friends wave and shout, one of them started stripping off her clothes and ran towards the water when…” He swallowed. “A sharp pain tore through my left leg and then it was gone. The feeling in my leg at least. After that, I don’t really remember what happened. Apparently, my friend, she dragged me out of the water and used her shirt to put pressure on the bleeding. They got me to the hospital somehow, and when I woke up a few hours later, the doctor told me a shark had bitten my leg, tore it up so bad, destroyed the tissue and nerves and everything. They had no choice but to remove it.”

Erwin hadn’t expected it to end so abruptly, but it still shocked him like a face full of ice water. His jaw fell slack, and he couldn’t take his eyes off Eren’s face, the way the boy winced as if he was hurting Erwin with his story, which was far from right. “That’s…”

“Let him finish,” Levi muttered, leaning closer to Erwin but being careful not to fall into the space where his arm used to be.

“Well, I was a little bummed after that, but grateful to be alive. I mean, you hear about shark attacks all the time on TV, but when it actually happens to you…it’s both terrifying and exhilarating.

“I got set up with a prosthetic leg about two months after healing and therapy, then did physical therapy for a while until I was like any other functioning human being. It was great! So I decided to try surfing again. I always hear about those athletes with those inspirational stories, know what I’m talking about? So I decided that I could do it too. Got my board, went to the local beach, and for two months it was great. Then there was a shark sighting off the coast, and my parents didn’t want me going out anymore.”

Erwin’s pulse quickened. He’d read about this in the local paper only months ago. A fifteen year old boy that had gotten attacked by a shark just six yards off the shore; it had been all over the news, but Erwin hadn’t kept up with the story after the initial headline. There was no way…

“I mean, what are the chances of getting attacked by a shark twice? Especially losing a limb to one, so I disobeyed and snuck out at night, thinking that the sharks would be asleep at night,” Eren laughed, a numb sound that brought no comic relief to the story. “Well, apparently not, because after two hours on the water with barely any waves, one came by, and this time I was aware it was there. I tried to be still, remembered to punch a shark in the nose and, well, it toyed with me a bit before knocking me off my board, and I flailed, tried to punch it, but…”

Levi looked from Erwin to Eren, and he brought his arm up to rest along the back of Eren’s chair. “Do you still want to surf?”

Erwin’s shoulders tensed, and he resisted reaching over to rub at his stump. How could anyone want to continue pursuing anything, no matter how much they loved it, after the trauma Eren’s body and mind must have been through. As much as Erwin would like to go back to saving lives, keeping innocent people safe, playing cards or billiards with his coworkers, it just wasn’t possible. He was invalid in this world. People like him, and…

“Of course!” Eren looked ready to jump out of his seat, like Levi had just told him that he had won the lottery or cured cancer. “Surfing is freedom! Being on the water, sailing over it on nothing more than a board and human will…! I’m still every bit capable now as I was with my arm and leg. Nothing has changed!”

Levi glanced at Erwin, caught his eyes.

The mosquitoes flourished on his skin.


	9. The King & I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Driving a car is like riding a bike, you can do both with one arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again lovelies. Yes, I'm still writing. "Oh no", everyone groans.
> 
> Brought the rating up due to mentions of sex in this chapter, which was only a matter of time. Yes, the rating will go up one more time, but that's further down the line.
> 
> Hope everyone had wonderful and safe holidays!

Erwin Smith stressed safe driving. Phones powered down and out of reach of the driver, music at an acceptable volume so the sirens of emergency vehicles can be distinguishable, both hands on the wheel at all times.

Both hands on the wheel at all times.

“Do you like it?” Hange asked, leaning on the open door of Erwin’s newly modified Jetta Hybrid.

“It’s convenient,” Erwin confirmed, his foot solid lead on the brake pedal as he shifted from park to reverse with the gear shift that had been relocated on the left side of his steering wheel. “Incredible.”

Hange beamed in satisfaction. “You’ll find that driving with one hand isn’t difficult at all. You’ll get the hang of it in no time.”

Levi had made himself at home in the passenger seat, and Erwin had to confess that he looked like he belonged there. Levi was slouched over, inspecting the dashboard for any dust and grime. On weekends, Erwin liked to clean his car thoroughly, rid the cup holders of tissues and receipts, organize his CDs that he was always rotating out, and Windex the windows. Mike was always smudging his windows.

“Erwin, didja hear me?” Hange snapped her fingers at his ear.

Admittedly, Erwin had not. He was too focused on the man to his right. He only batted his eyelashes at Hange as apology.

Hange muttered something under her breath, something Erwin didn’t catch one bit. “Okay, Levi is going to stay in the car with you while you get used to driving with your left arm. You’re a free man as of this morning, Mr. Smith, but Levi is still on the clock. So don’t go too far, got it?”

“He’s got it. Let’s go, my ass is falling asleep.” Levi snapped impatiently, pulling the seatbelt across him.

They pulled out of the parking lot of the hospital and immediately came to halt at a red light. Turning the wheel wasn’t as difficult as Erwin had envisioned, just a little awkward on his elbow and shoulder.

“Let’s take a left up here.” Levi said once the light changed. “Grip the steering wheel down here,” he pointed. “Yeah, there you go. That was easier, right?”

“It was. Thank you.” Erwin sent him a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Eyes on the road, big guy.” Levi didn’t need to tell him twice.

As it turned out, Levi was quite the passenger. He pointed out billboards that caught his attention, he rolled down the window to blatantly flip off other drivers that zipped around them or honked at Erwin’s overly cautious driving, and if he saw something that reminded him of a random story or experience in his life he all but blurted it out with little to no second thought.

“I was in a porno based off of that.” Levi tapped against the window and Erwin looked to see a billboard advertising the local theater’s production of _The King and I_.

“Oh?” Erwin asked, concentrating back to the road stretched before him. To him, Levi didn’t seem the theater type, but Erwin supposed—“ _Wait_ , you were in a _what_?”

Levi was quiet for a few seconds, probably regretting ever opening his mouth, but the words were already out there, wrapping around Erwin like a blanket full of static.

“What?” Erwin prodded.

“I was in a porno based off that play.” Levi finally said. He pushed a hand down on his knee to keep his leg from bouncing.

Was he anxious? This was new. He was trusting Erwin with a new side of him, and he didn’t seem like the kind to do this often. Erwin could not screw up this chance he was being given.

“Did-”

“It was for a friend. He was supposed to play the King. He got a new job opportunity last minute, day of the shooting. Something he always wanted to do. So I took his place. He got the job, and he’s still working in the corporation to this day.” Levi cracked his knuckles, turned to look at Erwin. “Wipe that stupid gin off your face.”

Erwin couldn’t help smiling. The man next to him was incredible. Every time he thought he had Levi figured out, Levi turned around to show him something else from his pockets, whether it be a new conflicting thought or an obscure story from his past. “Sorry. It was nice of you to help him out. Was the girl cute?”

“She was okay,” Levi shrugged. He leaned back in the seat with a pensive face, as if trying to recall the film. “She was taller than me.”

“Everyone’s taller than you.”

Levi snorted unattractively and swatted him in the ribs, making Erwin laugh despite the sting of pain. Levi had quite an arm on him.

“Asshole.” He smirked and picked at his cuticles for a moment. He glanced around their surroundings, told Erwin to make a turn at the next right. “I like tall people. It’s attractive to me. Maybe because I’m so short, I dunno. Right here.” He pointed at the street.

Erwin looked at Levi once he had straightened out the wheel from the turn. “I think short people are attractive.”

The corner of Levi’s mouth lifted, but he didn’t bother to look at Erwin. A contented silence enveloped them. If they were on a date, Erwin would say that things were going swimmingly, but people didn’t drop the _I’ve-starred-in-a-porno_ bomb on first dates, usually. Levi probably would, if Erwin gave him any credit. In fact, he was very certain that he liked that about Levi, intrigued if anything.

He needed to stop thinking about Levi in such a light; he told himself this countless times since they became closer. Levi was going out on a limb (no pun intended) to help him out through his physical therapy. He stayed with Erwin during all the painful procedures that required Erwin to strain his muscles, and through the ones that made Erwin want to collapse all together from humiliation and anxiety. Altogether, Levi reassured him and insulted him to kick him into gear, pushed and pulled with a gravity of his own. Erwin’s feelings for the man should stop solely at gratitude. Besides, if Erwin grasped anything from Levi’s declaration, it’s that he prefers women, and Erwin should keep his dick to himself.

“What about you?” Levi asked.

“Hm?” They were in a residential neighborhood, the street uneven and broken in some places. Erwin had to exercise more strength in his arm to control the wheel, guiding them so they didn’t hit a car parked on the curb.

“Done anything crazy in your youth?”

“Sexually?” Erwin pressed. He didn’t know why his stomach was twisting in knots.

“Yeah, let’s go with that.”

“Hmmm,” Erwin hummed. “Well, I have nothing as grand as porno title. I received a blowjob in an elevator once.” He didn’t mention that it was his first time getting head from another man.

Levi remained apathetic.

“No? Okay, well. To impress a girl on a first date I-” Erwin stopped to chortle at the memory. “I had just graduated as a firefighter, and to impress a girl on our first date, I, uh, went down on her in one of the fire trucks at my station.”

Levi also laughed, but said nothing else. Erwin took it as a sign to keep going.

“Oh, I had a threesome once. With my best friend in college, and his girlfriend. We were just. I don’t know.” Erwin shrugged. “Horny teenagers, I guess.”

“That’s more like it.” Levi pointed him to turn right when the street let out onto a back road that ran adjacent to the levee. “I was in a polyamorous relationship with a nice couple for a while. Back when I was twenty-two.  It was fun for a while.”

Curiosity grabbed hold of Erwin. “What happened?”

Levi looked at him with hooded eyes that made Erwin want to kiss him. “The girl got pregnant. So I split.”

“But what-”

“But what if the kid was mine? I was an asshole at that age. I didn’t care.” Levi turned back to the window.

For once, Erwin could see right through Levi, could see into his head, or maybe, Levi’s thoughts were that loud. “You did care. You put up a tough act, but you cared. You still do.”

Levi scoffed, and he gave Erwin a defeated smile, something he had never seen on Levi’s face before. It was gone before he could say anything, and he was sure if he even mentioned it, it would be the last thing he ever did. “Yeah. I care. But it’s not mine, as it turned out. And they’re happy together. The kid’s ten now, too. Been that long. No regrets.”

“None at all?” Erwin certainly had no regrets, if he was honest with himself. He liked having Levi here to himself.

“No, after that I went into the scene. Y’know, BDSM, all that stuff. I had sasquatch of a Dom for a while. I tried dominating, too, but it made me uncomfortable, someone putting _that_ much trust in me when we didn’t know each other as human beings. I left after a year.”

Erwin released a low whistle, coming to a stop at a red light. “I would have never pegged you as someone who participated in the scene.” He tried not to let the idea of Levi bent over a table, being spanked with a thick rubber paddle, get to him. He cleared his throat. Levi shot him a dirty glare.

“That’s right, I’m a kinky sonovabitch.”

It took everything in Erwin not to moan. _Jesus fucking Christ! Keep it together, Smith!_

“I’ve let a girl peg me, too.” Levi acted as if that was the icing on the cake.

Erwin cleared his throat again. “I, uh, don’t know what that means.”

Levi rolled his eyes, but clearly he was enjoying himself. Did he think he was making Erwin uncomfortable by unloading all of this information on him? Was he trying to scare Erwin away? Where was he going with all of this?

“It means, old man, that I let a girl put on a strap-on and fuck me in the ass.”

He seemed so proud of himself, but all Erwin could say was, “So you like taking it up the ass?”

Immediately, Erwin felt like he’d crossed a line. He focused his attention on the road again, taking off a little too quickly when the light turned green. He wanted to return to the hospital immediately, drop Levi off, and go home. At first he had experienced mosquitoes while signing his discharge papers that morning. The thought of returning home, of having to fall back into normal society, had his spine stinging with anticipation. Now, he had unwittingly put himself in an even more mortifying situation, and his empty apartment seemed better than being in the car with Levi.

Mosquitoes swarmed him a thousand beats per second.

“If you turn here, you’ll get to the hospital faster.” Levi said, reading Erwin’s mind.

The last seven minutes of the car ride were quiet and tense, at least for Erwin. Levi had texted Hange that they were on their way back, but she wasn’t at the drop off zone when Erwin pulled up.

They sat there, Erwin feeling like he was sixteen and dumb all over again, making terrible life choices.

“I’d say you’re quite capable of driving a car. You’ve adapted well.” Levi said, adopting Hange’s tone. He unbuckled and got out of the car.

Erwin stopped him before he could close the passenger door. “Levi, wait.” And Levi waited. “Thank you. For everything. If it wasn’t for you, I…” He glanced at the still healing bridge of Levi’s nose. “I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’d probably-”

“Be a sad, sorry old man with so much self-pity you can’t shit right.” Levi muttered, a mantra that he echoed almost every day to get Erwin moving.

“Yeah, that.” Erwin made a mental note to thank Mike and Nanaba, and Hange, too, of course. So many people were there for him through this time, he was aware of that. But Levi was Levi. He was a specific color in the mural of Erwin’s life, he was that oddly shaped puzzle piece that couldn’t possibly be mistaken, he was…irreplaceable. And Erwin was the idiot that screwed it all up.

“And to answer your question. Yes. I do.”

They both remained in place. Levi was waiting, Erwin was holding back. He tucked his lips between his teeth, bit them, released them red and burning, chapped. Mosquitoes.

Erwin looked away first. Levi huffed in annoyance, closed the car door. Erwin’s hand, his one good hand, clenched the steering wheel until his the skin on his knuckles drew white. He felt numb as he pulled out of the hospital’s parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for Erwin's brooding in the next chapter.
> 
> In case you didn't notice, Levi doesn't like to be asked questions about his life so he asks them for people.


	10. Citrus Chicken Sorrento

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike ain't havin' none of that nonsense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get Erwin's brooding chapter over and done with, so here it is!
> 
> A moment to thank everyone who has stuck with this fic, commented (I love seeing what you guys have to say), left kudos, and even those silently sitting on the sidelines. I really appreciate it. Thank you guys!

_Can I have your phone number?_

Was that so hard to ask? What was so challenging about forming those simple kindergarten level words, to convey his interest in another grown man in the simplest of terms? Erwin was the biggest idiot to ever grace God’s green earth, and he should have lost more than an arm for it.

He lay in bed at eleven in the afternoon, four hours past his customary point of rising, but this had become his new routine for the past week. His jaw itched with four day old stubble, he could taste the rancid morning breath on his tongue, and his phone was blinking with four new text messages from Mike.

Oh, right. Mike. He invited Erwin to join him and Nanaba for lunch today. Erwin had agreed to go, promising himself that the next day, today, would be different. He’d feel differently today, about everything. But that was easier said than done. Because with the one regret that was Levi came several others.

Why didn’t you ask for his number? You didn’t know if he would reject you. And another thing, that kid that you cut in line in the cafeteria when you were in the third grade, how do you think that made him feel? Remember when you tripped and fell flat on your face in front of that cute Asian guy inside the university’s book store? You could have asked for his number, too, but you didn’t. You’re a loser, Erwin Smith. An overgrown, slightly bow legged, intolerable loser with nowhere to turn, and you can’t even learn how to tie your own shoelaces with one hand.

Erwin winced fully, eyes aching and teeth grit. He flung his arm out to the bedside table and groped around for his phone, knocking over a pain killer bottle that he hadn’t touched in two days. The sound of it clattering on the floor, pills rattling inside, only assisted in spurring on his frustration.

Why are you so useless?!

Erwin didn’t want to get up to retrieve the bottle, so he didn’t, even though his back was sore from lying vertical for hours every day. When was the last time he had eaten? He couldn’t remember, it might have been last night, or maybe Wednesday morning. What day was it anyway? His phone said it was Friday, and he saw no reason for it to lie to him.

He wished his father was here to admonish him about all of his mistakes. At least then he wouldn’t have to do it himself. That was just another thing for him to lament.

He was slow when it came to texting with both hands, incredibly dense with one. His thumb tapped one key on the screen at a time, one letter taking him several seconds, one word taking him several more.

To: Mike  
Something came up. I can’t make it to lunch after all. Sorry.

This was for the best, he told himself. He looked half dead, reeked like it too, and if he was being frank with himself, he wasn’t in the mood to simulate optimism for the sake of others.

Erwin supposed the pill bottle was enough of a reason to get out of bed, but he remained still for a couple more minutes, eyes wide and searching, but mind vacant and aching. No, it was time to get up. He had his afternoon free now, he should do something productive. There were numerous unopened boxes on his kitchen table, all the one handed gear that was supposed to make living alone easy. His insurance paid for most of it, as Hange had said they would.

The bed groaned under his shifting weight along with popping joints.

He was too old to be acting like this. He knew that. But this was easier. Everything was easier when he didn’t feel like he was dragging others down with him. So maybe… Maybe it was for the best. Not getting Levi’s number. Not pursuing such an independent, grumpy, charming, offensive, striking man was exactly Erwin’s level of capacity at the moment.

He checked his phone. Mike hadn’t texted him back yet about the cancelation. Maybe he had given up on Erwin now. Well that should make things easier, right? The less people he had to worry about, the less guilt he’ll have, like a noose tightening around his neck – or loosening in this case.

Erwin turned on the television as he passed it in the living room, stopping only to check the weather forecast. He had furniture on the balcony, pillows that he didn’t want smelling like mold if they happened to get caught in the rains of early autumn. Nothing the weather channel said caught his attention, his eyes unfocused and mind wandering. Damn, was he always this pathetic?

He tried to remember how he had reacted to his father’s death. Was he this bad? Shutting people out, shutting down, shutting up? Had he acted appropriately? Because he certainly wasn’t now.

If he had only asked Levi…

If only he hadn’t asked Levi…

No, stop thinking about that, he chided himself. Last thing he needed was to quit at life right after getting out of bed and making the decision to maybe, possibly, if it happens it happens, do something about the takeout boxes stacked by the trashcan in the kitchen. But, while he was at it, he might as well check the fridge for leftovers now that his meal plan was cancelled. His own fault, but he felt it was too late to take it back. Twenty minutes too late.

Erwin was in the middle of feeling around his two day leftover chicken Pad Thai noodles to make sure his microwave warmed it thoroughly when there was a knock on his apartment door. Well, it wasn’t so much a knock as it was an insistent hammering that clearly came from a heavy, impatient hand.

Flustered, Erwin searched for a towel to wipe his greasy hand off on, clearly taking too long for whoever was outside, and whoever was outside had a key.

Mike barged into the entry way of his apartment, glancing over to the couch where the television was still muttering about some tropical storm that wasn’t affecting their area in any way. Seeing the couch was empty, he immediately turned his sights on Erwin in the kitchen, hand still shiny with grease.

“You,” Mike snapped, making Erwin’s eyes widen comically. Mike pointed at the round, dark wood table with four matching chairs. “Sit down.”

Erwin was not about to argue. He had only seen Mike like this a few times while growing up, this side of the burly man that only reared its head when he decided that enough was enough. Erwin had crossed a line. He plopped down in a chair, one on the outside so he wouldn’t be cornered by his friend. He decided that wiping his hand on his pants was not his biggest problem, so he polished it off on his sweatpants discreetly under the table.

Mike was silent as he plopped a bulky paper bag on the table, pulling styrofoam and plastic containers out with furious, jerky motions.

“Olive Garden, huh?” Erwin nearly squeaked.

Mike glanced at him before sliding a black container towards Erwin, then reached back into the bag to toss plastic utensils at him unceremoniously. Erwin swallowed thickly. Everything smelled so good; it made the weighty guilt in the pit of his stomach churn.

Finally, after unloading the bag and folding it neatly to set it on one of the empty chairs, Mike sat himself down in the seat next to Erwin and tore into his own food, some ravioli dish along with an order of grilled chicken flatbread and a soup.

The containers remained unopened in front of Erwin, and things remained that way for several minutes - Erwin staring at the condensation clinging to the transparent cover on his meal, Mike slurping the sauce of his ravioli. Finally, Mike slammed his fists on the table, though his face remained impressively passive as he bit out, “Eat, Erwin.”

Clumsily, Erwin peeled open the lid on his food, revealing some chicken and veggie dish. It smelled divine. He struggled with the plastic wrap on his utensils, but Mike didn’t say anything, didn’t offer to help, so Erwin resorted to ripping it open with his teeth. He caught Mike smirking at that, which made him feel better more than it made him feel ashamed. As he learned in physical therapy, he cut his meat with the plastic knife first with practiced pressure.

“I asked Nanaba to marry me.” Mike announced casually, reaching for a slice of flatbread with one hand while the other used his fork to stab a piece of ravioli.

Erwin sat there until the shock wore off, then a smile broke out on his face. It felt foreign to smile after days of a self-administered coma. “Mike, that’s wonderful.”

“Yeah, well, she didn’t exactly say yes.” Mike grumbled around a mouthful of food. He chewed and swallowed before continuing. “She said that she’ll see. That she wants to save up for bottom surgery first.”

“She knows you don’t care about all of that. You two have had sex and she knows you love her for who she is.” Erwin said.

“That’s not the point. It’s the principle of the whole thing. That I want to marry her as a woman, but the state recognizes her as a man, all of that. It bothers her.” Mike took a gigantic bite of flatbread. Erwin watched him until Mike indicated for him to eat his own food. “I’ll wait for as long as it takes. I mean, it’s just a piece of paper and tax benefits, right? That’s all marriage really is.”

“Exactly that.” Erwin chewed on his citrusy chicken thoughtfully. He never thought of Mike as the type to desire marriage. He was a very committed guy, to his friends, to his goals, to his partner; but marriage wasn’t something he seemed fond of, having come from a family with divorced parents, a mother that settled too quickly with each man she met, a father that never wanted to be tied down again. It colored relationships in ugly shades for Mike’s perspective, but Erwin watched him grow and mature through college, and then they met Nanaba in their training courses to be firefighters, and Mike fell head over heels so suddenly, Erwin must have blinked.

Nanaba was good for Mike. Sometimes it felt like she was the only person in the world who could calm Mike’s inner storms, or pick him up when he fell down - said times were all few and far between. When she came out with her desire to be addressed with female pronouns, Mike and Erwin had no trouble adjusting, and supported her every step of the way.

The three of them held each other up through everything…and Erwin felt the guilt gnawing at his ribs again. He took too deep a breath, felt dizzy, felt itchy, and looked away from the food, from Mike.

This didn’t escape the other man. Mike cleared his throat and he wiped his mouth on a paper napkin before getting up from the table to retrieve two beers from the fridge. He twisted off the caps, set one down in front of Erwin, took a swig from his own as he sat back down.

“I didn’t come here just to tell you I’ve decided to tie the knot with Nanaba.” Mike said, smacking his lips, moustache wet.

“I know,” Erwin replied simply, keeping his eyes on the wall.

“So do you want to explain why you’re acting like a douchebag?”

Damn, Mike didn’t go easy, did he? Erwin chuckled dryly. “You mean why don’t I want to go out looking like this?” Erwin shrugged his shoulders to gesture at himself.

“Well yeah, you smell bad and look awful. I don’t blame you. But that’s nothing a good shower and shave can’t fix.” Mike scratched his jaw.

“That’s not what I mean.” Erwin muttered.

Mike sighed, exasperated. “Come on, Erwin. You had enough time feeling sorry for yourself in the hospital. I thought you were over all of this.”

“It’s not something you just get over, Mike-”

“No, it’s not, but the Erwin I’ve known for over a decade doesn’t sit around moping. Not about something like this. What’s really bothering you?”

Erwin debated telling Mike about Levi, that Levi made him feel insecure, but he decided against it. Mike was right. He didn’t mope, not really. Now that the initial shock was over, now that he didn’t have to throw his back into physical therapy, he could get back on his feet, live again. Levi was there for him during a dark, terrible time of his life. He made Erwin better, him and several others, and Erwin was in the light again. He couldn’t squash everyone’s hard work like that. He didn’t want to let Mike and Nanaba down. He really didn’t.

“I just…don’t know how to get back out there. Like this.” Erwin half admitted.

Mike nodded slowly, understanding as best as he could. “Then let us help you. Me, Nanaba, Shadis. We all want to help.”

Erwin winced at the mention of Shadis. He never did come back to visit Erwin in the hospital, probably couldn’t overcome his apprehensions that he carried on his back like a yoke. Erwin didn’t know if he had shattered every ounce of respect his fire chief held for him, which was warranted after how he acted that afternoon. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted to take on the position, but he certainly didn’t want to end things on such regretful terms with Shadis.

Erwin conferred with Mike about the situation, bringing it to light for the first time since the incident itself.

Mike released a quiet whistle. “Fire Chief. That’s a big title.”

“One I don’t deserve.” Erwin breathed.

“Oh, bullshit, Erwin.” Mike took a gulp of beer and sighed. “Out of all the sorry sods in our department, you most definitely deserve the position. Drink your damn beer.”

Erwin glanced at his untouched bottle. “I can’t. I’m on antibiotics…”

“Did you take them today?”

Erwin couldn’t lie. “No.”

“Then drink.” Mike swallowed some more of his while drumming his fingers on the table. Something was coming, he was thinking, and Erwin’s stomach tightened with unease. “I’ve followed you through thick and thin. Remember the Nolan Fire in o-nine? You saved my life. If I was in that house for another three minutes, I wouldn’t be sitting here today, and I’ve got the scar on my chest to prove it. To prove what a real hero you are. And I’m not the only person to think so. Dita, Luke, Gelgar, Lynne, Henning, all those guys have you to thank because they’re here today, eating spaghetti or whatever at Olive Garden.”

“Jeezus, everyone’s there?” Erwin buried his face in his hand. He felt like a complete asshole now, having stood everyone up. And Mike, ‘gentle giant’ Mike, left everyone behind to order togo and bring the food to Erwin who was too full of himself to leave the apartment.

“They wanted to see you, their squad leader. They trust you with their lives. And they also want you to trust them with yours, which is asking a lot, I know. But all of us at the station, in the entire district, will stand behind Shadis’ decision…if you just accept it.”

Erwin found himself rubbing his right shoulder tenderly, and he quickly pulled his hand away.

“At least think about it.” Mike said, and Erwin was reminded of Shadis again. How the conversation took a bad turn because of him.

“I’ll think about it. But I’ll need a prosthetic arm, first.” Erwin muttered, then glanced at his beer.

“It’s not like Shadis is ready to throw in the towel tomorrow. You have time.” Mike always gave Erwin the reassurance he desperately needed.

They ended up spending the rest of the day on the couch watching TV. Erwin took his antibiotics, and a shower, and stuck to drinking water the rest of the day. They caught a few I Love Lucy reruns, then found a Harry Potter marathon, so they called Nanaba, a true Potterhead, who in turn brought a large Brooklyn style pizza from a local Italian spot near Erwin’s apartment.

The Prisoner of Azkaban was just ending when Mike said, “Oh yeah, Nile called me the other day.”

Erwin was the only one to react. “What? How? Why?” He didn’t even know Nile Dok had Mike’s number.

Mike shrugged, unimpressed by the whole scenario. “He somehow heard you were in the hospital. I think we have a mutual friend on Facebook or something.”

“Small world,” Nanaba commented quietly from her spot on the other side of Mike.

“What did he want?” Erwin pressed. He couldn’t count the years on one hand since he last spoke to Nile.

“Just wanted to know you were alive, I guess.” Mike shrugged. Erwin really was the only one shaken by the news.

Nanaba set her diet Mountain Dew can down on a square coaster and squinted at Erwin. “Isn’t he the one you had a threesome with him and his wife?”

“They weren’t married yet, we were in college.” Erwin frowned. He didn’t want to think about that right now. The subject no longer reminded him of the time in college, but instead Levi. And he didn’t want to think about Levi. Levi made him want to sink into the couch and never come out.

Mike got up and stretched, leaving Nanaba and Erwin on the couch to retreat into the kitchen.

“I’m surprised he still married her even though you both boned her.” Nanaba turned to face Erwin on the couch, bringing well-defined legs up to fold in front of her.

“Well, I didn’t really _bone_ her…” Erwin grimaced at the term.

“What? But I thought you…?” She rotated her hand in the air, searching for a word that no one knew but her.

“Think about it, dear.” Mike supplied, returning with Erwin’s diminished stash and a glass pipe with green, white, and blue stripes spiraling around the stem.

And Nanaba did think about it. “Wait, really? Is that why he doesn’t talk to you anymore? Is he embarrassed?”

“Yeah, something like that.” Erwin muttered. He looked back to the television, the subject dropping right there like a ton of lead.

Mike lit the pipe, took a few shallow inhales, then passed it on to Erwin. They passed it around with no particular order until Erwin decided that he his chest felt full enough to stop. He allowed his eyes to shut for a few seconds, but when he opened them again, the movie was over and Nanaba was on Mike’s lap, the two staring at each other heatedly.

“Please don’t have sex on my couch.” Erwin groaned sleepily.

Nanaba and Mike chuckled, Nanaba standing and stretching her arms high in the air. “Then I guess we’ll call it a night. Let’s go big guy.”

Mike pushed himself off the couch, cracked his back, and turned back to Erwin, helping him up off the couch. “Feeling better?”

“Much better,” Erwin admitted. Leave it to Mike to know the simplest solution to liberating Erwin Smith from falling into utter self-desolation.

“Good.” He gave Erwin a much needed hug that lasted for several beats before stepping out of the way to let Nanaba have a turn.

“We love you, Erwin.” Nanaba said, humble, pushing up on her toes to hug him around the neck.

Erwin smiled and wrapped his arm around her middle, lifting Nanaba off the floor. She gasped in disbelief, and Mike looked on with an impressed smirk of his own. Erwin undoubtedly felt renewed somehow, lighter in the body that had been weighing him down for some time now. Nanaba weighed nothing in his one arm, mostly due to her lifting her own weight with her hold on his shoulders, but he couldn’t help but wonder if this is what holding Levi would feel like. They were about the same size.

“Be careful getting home, you two. Don’t let Mike drive, he’s had a few beers.” Erwin said a few minutes later, waving them down the hallway of his building.

“Aye, aye,” Nanaba called back, guiding Mike with a hand on the small of his back.

For a passing moment, Erwin was a little envious of them, but he hastily squashed the notion. He had chosen this life of solitude; he had no one to blame but himself.

He stopped in the bathroom to empty his bladder, glanced in the mirror and promised himself he’d at least attempt shaving in the morning, and went to his bedroom where his phone sat abandoned on his nightstand.

He had received two text messages at quarter to ten, which was two hours ago. Sighing, he checked to see who it was.

From: Hange Zoë  
Hey Erwin! This is Hange Zoe, your physical therapist from the hospital, checking up on you! You better be taking your medication! LOL! Hey you know what would be fun? Getting drinks at on calling him

From: Hange Zoë  
Damn autocorrect! LOL! Let’s get drinks at O’Callaghan’s tomorrow! Sound fun?

How was it even possible for Hange to convey all that energy of hers through text? It made Erwin smile. And you know what? He was feeling good. So sure, why not?

He typed back an affirmation as quickly as he could, hoping he wouldn’t be bothering her by responding so close to midnight. He sent the message before the mosquitoes could stop him, and went to bed that night without a single dread about the next day.

Tomorrow, he was going to shave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just curious, would you guys be willing to read other SNK crap I've written? Most of them are eruri, of course, but I also have an au on the side that literally revolves around everyone in the series. Just wonderin' if I should be putting those on ao3 or whatnot...


	11. Accidents Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin finds himself at a new low.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha i remember when i was planning on stopping this fic at chapter 3
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for all your comments and encouragement! Even the silent readers, you guys matter, too! I didn't think this fic was going to go anywhere, but you all definitely help keep it going. I hope I don't disappoint in the future.

He shouldn’t have come to O’Callaghan’s today.

“Erwin! Get your butt over here!” Hange was grinning from ear to ear, glasses threatening to fall off the tip of her nose as she leaned over a very disgruntled Levi.

Of course Levi was here, why wouldn’t he be? Did Erwin think he would be so easily free of his anxiety about this man? Yes, actually. But he couldn’t turn back now. Those storm cloud eyes were on him, and Erwin was already feeling the pull of their vortex.

Pressing out a smile like an inky thumbprint, Erwin took the empty seat next to Levi, keeping the maximum proximity the bar stool would allow. He set his eyes upon Levi, focused on the double lid of his eyes, the way his short eyelashes caught the yellow light of the bar. Levi’s lips moved around words that Erwin didn’t catch, either because of the radio that blared 70’s rock like nobody was in the establishment, or Hange’s howling for Erwin’s attention.

Erwin gave in and leaned forward on the bar, giving Hange priority only because he wasn’t ready to hear whatever condescending remark Levi had conjured up. Hange introduced him to Moblit Berner, a lean fellow with a full head of smooth brown hair that unfortunately parted at the middle of his forehead. Moblit stretched forward across Hange to offer his left hand, and Erwin hurriedly did the same, feeling Levi place a hand on his back to assist in keeping his balance.

“It’s nice to finally meet you. For weeks you were all Hange and Levi talked about.” Moblit said cheerfully, and Hange beamed unabashedly.

Erwin met Levi’s gaze for just a moment, but it was enough for Erwin to feel the mosquitoes again. Prick, prick, prick, starting from the inside of his elbow(s), and spreading throughout his arm(s) and to his neck. He released a shuddering breath. He should have asked for Levi’s phone number. This was his second chance; if it wasn’t too late, he was going to do it.

The bartender stopped by, gave Erwin a menu and asked if he’d like anything to drink. He didn’t spare Erwin’s right half a glance, and Erwin felt a new wind of confidence fill his sail.

“He can’t have alcohol,” Hange interjected, elbows on the bar. “This guy is on medication. Give him your finest water, sir!”

“We have tap,” the bartender offered.

“Actually,” Moblit began, “Most antibiotics _can_ be mixed with alcohol. The exceptions are Flagyl, cephalexin, Omnipen and Principen, erythromycin, or any antibiotics taken for intestinal, bladder, vaginal, and ovarian infections. The other ones are perfectly able to be combined with alcohol. The reason we think otherwise is because of those specific medications, and doctors say not to just to be sure. In some cases, we don't know exactly what will happen if someone on antibiotics drink. _If_ there were some serious side-effects, we would know by now. Does it say on the bottle that you can’t drink?”

“I don’t think so, no.” Erwin smiled wryly. He had nearly forgotten that Moblit was a pharmacist.

“The antibiotics you prescribed him were only supposed to last five days anyway.” Levi turned to the bartender. “Get him what I’m having.” Erwin frowned, and Levi pressed the pad of his thumb to the pinched skin between Erwin’s unkempt eyebrows. “Stop that. You’ll like it, trust me.”

“I just wasn’t prepared to have all my decisions made for me tonight.” Erwin humphed.

“Oh, quit your pouting. You’re a grown man, goddamn it.” Levi snapped, but no venom detected in his voice.

“Speaking of grown men,” Hange cut in, and Erwin and Levi sighed in harmony. “What have you been doing the last few days, Erwin? Enjoying your freedom?”

Erwin felt heat prickle at the back of his neck. No mosquitoes, just embarrassment. Embarrassed that he hadn’t been using the skills Hange and Levi had drilled him through for the last several weeks. He didn’t want to admit that he spent his time lying in bed for hours, that last night was his first time eating a full meal and interacting and watching television.

“It’s been different.” Erwin admitted only so much. He couldn’t tell Hange that it’s been hard. Despite all the confidence boosting she threw around like free candy, when he left her care and guidance, and Levi’s, Erwin reverted right back to the self-pitying asshole that skipped out on lunch dates and avoided sunlight like an hopeless paranoid.

“Jerking off will take some getting used to.” Levi muttered, ignoring blue eyes that tried to pierce him like an icy arrow.

The bartender set a chilled, opened bottle of beer in front of Erwin with a glass, and Erwin took the bottle in his hand, fingers smearing the frost as he read the label. It was a lager from San Francisco, and it smelled heavenly.

Levi took hold of the empty glass and tilted the rim towards himself, arm stretched out so it was on Erwin’s right side. “It has a thick head, so keep that in mind.”

Erwin hummed and began the pour into the glass, mindful to follow Levi when he set the glass upright again. The whole bottle fit inside, and Levi had been right; the lager had a full head that wiggled precariously at the lip of the glass. He bent over the bar to suck down the foam, sitting back and licking his lips free of any excess.

Keeping his eyes on Levi, he placed his hand over the smaller man’s, taking the glass from him and taking a tentative sip of the lager. Fruity, not much of a hoppy flavor, just the right amount of carbonation. He nodded his consent. “Good.”

“Delicious?” Levi asked, chest puffed full with pride.

“Indeed. I like it. I’ll have to look for it in the grocery store next time I’m there.”

“You should take Levi with you,” Hange interjected. Levi’s eyes grew beady with a sudden flash of annoyance. “He has, like, a single stalk of kale and orange juice in his fridge.”

“That’s because when you barged into my home last night I had already cooked dinner and used the ingredients I had left in the refrigerator, shitty four eyes.” Levi growled.

“No need for name calling, Levi.” Moblit commented simply, sipping at his drink quietly.

“Oh, that just means he loves me.” Hange beamed, reaching to give Levi a hug, but the man slapped her hands away, leaned in closer to Erwin.

Erwin felt a genuine smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Hange and Moblit were a one of a kind couple. It was clear who the sail was, and who was the wind that kept those sails full of life and motivation to move forward.

Hange pouted about something Erwin missed being said, and Moblit’s head lolled comically in exasperated defeat. A quick kiss to Moblit’s colored cheek, and then Hange was leaning over the counter to get the bartender’s attention. “Can we get some cheese fries? Oh-” She turned her sights on Levi and Erwin. “You guys want cheese fries? Or something else?”

“Artichoke and spinach dip.” Levi said blandly, taking a drink of beer.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Erwin pressed his lips together. The bartender left with their orders, and Erwin glanced over Levi’s head to see Hange clearly. “How did you two meet?”

Hange flapped a hand between herself and Moblit as indication, and Erwin nodded in confirmation. A maniacal grin broke out across Hange’s face like a plague of acne on an oily teenager. “I was invited to a friend’s wedding - I was a friend of the groom, Moblit a friend of the bride. The invitation said it was a white tie wedding, which I had to google because I had never been to one before. I show up to the wedding in this bright yellow evening dress that trails behind me and – like – this black bowler hat with a net veil and feathers. Everyone is severely less dressed than I am, and I realize that the white tie was meant for the groomsmen and bridesmaids. I stuck out like a sore thumb, it was so embarrassing!”

Erwin chuckled quietly behind Levi’s inky black hair. He couldn’t imagine Hange feeling uncomfortable about anything, but perhaps she’s grown in her confidence since then.

“Well right behind me enters my knight in shining armor, donning a top hat, gloves, and a full tuxedo.” Hange beamed at Moblit, and he buried his face in his hands, clearly still mortified by the memory.

“The only thing I was missing was a villain’s mustache!” He added.

“He even had a cane and a pocket watch!” Hange guffawed, nearly falling out of her chair. “The photographer assumed we were together and asked to take our picture, which we posed like masters for! I’ll have to pull it up on Facebook, hold on--”

“Just finish the story.” Levi snapped, obviously having heard this tale one too many times.

“Moblit, find that picture on Facebook.” Hange juggled the smart phone between her and Moblit’s hands for a few seconds longer before turning back to Erwin, and Levi. “We ended up telling anyone who asked – which was everyone – that we came together. The wedding was _gorgeous_ , not my style, but still very nice. Moblit wanted to leave after the ceremony, but I dragged him out to the reception which was by a hillside, there was a river with a dock and gazeebo, all dressed up in lanterns and flowers. It was something out of a fairytale!”

Erwin could only imagine. He’d only been to a handful of weddings, Nile and Marie’s being the first. Their wedding had been simple, but decorated lovingly by Marie’s mother. Baby’s breath, cream colored roses, and some other tiny white flower that had only four pedals – Erwin was a disaster when it came to naming flowers; he only knew the basics from floral shops that he would visit on Mother’s Day. He wondered what kind of flowers Mike and Nanaba would pick for their wedding…

Oh, he had been zoning out.

“And I kicked my foot up in the air – _wheeee!_ ” Hange shrieked and Erwin and Moblit collectively glanced around for any curious eyes that might be on them. Levi drank his beer with an apparent sense of disinterest. “My shoe went soaring and _sploosh!_ Into the river! I was a little heartbroken, but I had no one to blame but myself. It was a really pretty shoe. Moblit, being the gentleman that he is, gave me his left shoe, and--”

“Is there a way we can wrap this up?” Levi groaned, leaning his shoulder on Erwin’s bicep.

Hange wasn’t the least bit perturbed, but she did give a quick summary for the rest. “We went back to my hotel, kept things PG, and the next day we stayed in bed with Starbucks coffee and everything bagels and Sunday morning cartoons, and that night Moblit got the courage asked me on a date.”

Hange gave her boyfriend a sound kiss on the cheek.

“She forgets to mention,” Moblit added, “That she demanded I take her to a sketchy Vietnamese place that served her uncooked meat and she was sick for the next two days.”

“Yeah, but you nursed me back to health, and that’s how I knew you were the one! It all worked out!”

“And you two have been dating…five years?” Erwin racked his brain to remember.

“Six in October, mhm!” Hange pinched the skinny black straw in her cocktail drink and took a long sip that nearly drained the rest of the glass. Moblit watched on with a visage of mild panic. Erwin wasn’t sure if he should take some sort of hint from that alone.

“Moblit came into my life at just the right time, I tell you what.” Hange said with a sudden hillbilly accent and an emphasis on the ‘h’. The joke was lost on Erwin. “I was about ready to quit medical school. I couldn’t seem to get anywhere! All my professors hated me, I swear it! He’s the one that suggested physical therapy.”

Erwin averted his eyes to Moblit, curious. “Why physical therapy?”

“Well, initially I suggested she work in a morgue since she had such an aberrant fascination with the human body.”

“ _Oooh_ , I _love_ that word! _Aberrant_. I don’t know why.”

“Because you’re the most abnormal person in this room and everyone knows it.” Levi supplied.

Erwin nudged Levi with his shoulder, Levi elbowed him in the ribs.

“Ow.”

Levi jabbed him again, this time in the arm.

Hange snapped her fingers an inch from Levi’s nose and the short man jolted back from the offending limb. “Hey, mister, what have we said about violence?”

“I’m not really hurting him.” Levi retorted.

“He’s not really hurting me.” Erwin agreed, swallowing down a snort of amusement.

“Still. I want to see hands on the counter.” Hange patted the wooden surface, expectant.

“Is this a problem he suffers from?” Erwin asked her, jokingly.

Levi glared at him. “Don’t fucking talk about me like I’m not here.”

Oh. Oh, that was…that was different. Erwin must have hit a sore spot, triggered something hidden deep in the trenches of Levi’s subconscious. Erwin didn’t want to disturb Levi in such a way, ever. Levi was good to him, empathetic, and Erwin wanted to express gratitude, not egg him on.

“I’m sorry, Levi. I didn’t mean to.” Erwin kept his tone level, sincere. “I don’t actually think you have some sort of violence problem.”

Levi scrutinized him with a closed-off visage, almost feline in the way he kept his eyes narrowed. He looked ready to pounce, or maybe he wanted to retreat. Erwin hoped he hadn’t ruined the evening. To his dismay, Levi grabbed his bottle and drained it of every last drop, tongue flicking the rim and teasing Erwin with just a glimpse.

He stood and Erwin opened his mouth to apologize, for talking, for not doing anything with his life after he got out of the hospital, for not asking for Levi’s number, for anything, for everything, just don’t leave right now.

Levi placed a hand on Erwin’s shoulder, moved in close. Erwin turned to look at him, their lips brushing just the slightest. They both froze, but Levi recovered first, leaning a safe distance away. “Order me another beer. I’m going to take a piss.”

Erwin remained still, a stone on a hillside, on the verge of tumbling over. He looked at Hange, but she made no indication that she saw anything. His mouth gaped like a fish out of water.

“Uh. He said to order him another beer.” Erwin said dumbly.

Hange grinned and flagged down the bartender.

Levi’s lips… They hadn’t touched long enough to engrave their texture into Erwin’s memory, not so heavy that Erwin would be up all night, tossing and turning and thinking, thinking about hair as dark as an eclipse, eyes as volatile as a volcano, and lips. Just lips. There was no spark, no lingering, no hint of anything. Levi didn’t pull away disturbed, but he did pull away. And that set Erwin’s spirits at a new low. Not that he came out tonight hoping for something. He hadn’t even known Levi would be here. Yet, Levi was here. Did he want to see Erwin? Was that wishful thinking on his part?

The mosquitoes certainly thought so.

Levi returned from the bathroom just as a fresh beer was set on the bar.

Erwin tried to think of something to say, but he couldn’t do small talk at the moment. He grasped at strings of conversation, grabbed onto their previous topic of discussion. “So, Hange, you got into physical therapy due to Moblit’s suggestion. What about you, Levi?”

Hange grinned, as if this was her favorite story to tell, but she clamped up, sat on her hands, let Levi tell the story.

And Levi took his time to work up the words, building them up, lining them in order in his head. He drank, and then he spoke with shiny wet lips that mesmerized Erwin. Did Levi know he had Erwin’s needle point attention?

“I was twenty-five, and I got in a bar fight with a guy. I messed him up real bad. Damaged his spine. Knocked him unconscious. No one wanted to call an ambulance, so I drove him to the hospital myself. I was so drunk, I parked on top of a bike rack. I got him inside, and then a nurse called the police on me. The guy woke up the next day and didn’t want to press charges on me, and for some ungodly reason, neither did the poor male nurse whose bike I fucked up with my car. All I had to pay was a parking ticket. The system is dumb as fuck.”

He stopped to take another drink and Erwin arched an eyebrow, tilting his head in captivation. “And that’s it? You wanted to become a nurse’s assistant after that?”

“No.” Levi bit out, as if Erwin asked the dumbest question of the night, which he probably did. “After that, I decided to visit the guy every day in the hospital.”

Erwin picked up on the pattern immediately and felt his blood run cold. Oh. Well of course. Why would Erwin be some special case? Levi just routinely visited strangers in the hospital. He was a nice guy like that.

“I felt guilty.”

Oh?

“And when he started his physical therapy to learn how to walk again, I was there to help him. And this one here was his therapist, of course.” Levi jabbed his thumb in Hange’s direction.

Hange snickered with glee, eyes bright. “That’s right! I got Levi his job as an orderly!”

“And I’ve been stuck with her since.” Levi ended the discussion with his deadpan tone, as usual.

That was it. No further mention of the man Levi injured and then aided through recovery. Erwin wondered if he should ask. Did Levi fall in love with him? Did they both have feelings for each other? Did the man torment himself over his own shortcomings and hidden desires he had for Levi, the same way Erwin did? The whole story was like something from a cable TV drama. Erwin didn’t know what to think about Levi, but one thing was for certain; he was the most interesting person Erwin had ever become acquainted with.

“So…you’ve never attended medical school?” Erwin checked.

The roll of Levi’s eyes was tremendous. “Yes, I told you this before.”

“Huh? You did?” Erwin racked his brain to remember.

“You were high on Oxycodone.” Levi gave a creeping smirk.

“Wha- then of course I don’t remember.” Erwin huffed.

Moblit cleared his throat, cutting in through the mindless squabbling Erwin and Levi were starting. “Erwin, where did you go to high school? You look familiar somehow.”

Moblit wasn’t familiar to him at all, but then again, Erwin didn’t have that many friends in school. He didn’t come out of his shell until his sophomore year of college. “J. Stroud High School. I graduated in nineteen-ninety-five.”

“Aha,” Moblit gave a stringy smile of sorts. He knew Erwin didn’t recognize him and maybe he was a little hurt by that. It was a big school, though, he couldn’t blame him. “I was class of ninety-seven. Just two grades below you. You kind of looked familiar. You were in the student council.”

Levi’s eyes snapped to Erwin’s face so fast. “ _Nerd_.”

Erwin ignored him. “I was the secretary, yes.”

“I recognize you from assemblies. You’d sit in the back and take notes.”

“Yeah, that…that was me.” Erwin trailed off, turning his attention back on his beer. The subject dropped like an apple from its tree and was not brought up again. It wasn’t that high school was dreadful for him. No one talked to him, so he grew up through his pubescent phase of gangly limbs, inconsequential acne, and outgrowing his shoes every two weeks in a sort of monotonous peace. He just didn’t think of high school as a fond memory to look back on – hence why he never attended the reunions held every five or so years.

Conversation drifted in and out after that. At one point it came to a grinding halt, and that gave room for Hange and Levi to give Erwin tips on how to wear his empty sleeve when he went out – Hange wanted his to roll it up, Levi wanted to fold it neatly and pin it. Erwin prayed they would stop talking about it soon, and they did, but only because Moblit snapped at them to leave Erwin alone.

Erwin wasn’t sure when it had happened, but he and Levi were comfortably pressed together. The seams of their jeans locked together, their arms brushed, and, every now and then, Levi would apply more weight on Erwin, testing the waters. Erwin didn’t give under the pressure, pushed right back, and they lingered this way for the remainder of the evening.

Hange did most of the talking, but Erwin managed to become fairly acquainted with Moblit despite her incessant chattering. He came off as quite the intelligent and responsible guy, sipping water so he could drive Hange and himself home safely, sliding her cocktails out of her reach when she became even more animated. They seemed to fit together like cogs in a machine, Hange the turning piece and fitting right into Moblit who moved with her seamlessly.

Erwin envied them, like he did Mike and Nanaba. But Levi leaned on him, heavier than before, and Erwin snaked his hand to Levi’s back. Starting at the center, then down to the small of his back, then settling his hand on Levi’s hip. Levi wasn’t the only one testing the waters.

In the middle of a story, Hange nearly elbowed a waitress walking by, and Moblit declared that it was time to call it a night. He graciously paid for everyone’s drinks, denying Erwin’s attempt to even put money in for the tip (he left a tip anyway). Hange hugged both Levi and Erwin, and Moblit gave Erwin another strong handshake, and the two left with promises to meet up again soon.

Other patrons in the bar were beginning to trickle out, and Erwin realized belatedly that it was thirty minutes to closing time. Levi stood, drained what remained in his glass, and stretched his back.

“Wanna get out of here?” He asked, tugging the hem of his wine red V-neck down over his hips, long fingers remaining on the spot Erwin had been resting his hand.

Erwin’s pulse skipped a beat. “You mean head somewhere else?”

Levi’s lip curled at that. “No. I mean let’s just leave. I have to get home and clean.” No invitation clung to the end of that statement.

“Oh.” Maybe it was for the best, he told himself. Something could happen if they were alone together. But he wanted that. Sort of. If he was being honest with himself.

Outside was dark and muggy, and Erwin inhaled deeply, trying to calm his nerves, quell the mosquitoes. He never got this nervous about someone else before, and he knew exactly why it was happening now. Shadis had been right. He was still a human being. Just…physically less human than before, but that didn’t mean he had to limit himself.

Erwin turned to look at Levi, soles of his shoes crunching on the sidewalk stridently. “Hey, do you mind-”

Levi looked at him, eyelids as low as ever. He always appeared so dreamy, so far off, when he looked at Erwin that way, and Erwin wanted to brush their lips together again. He was too damn tall for accidents like that to happen while he was standing.

“Give me your phone number.” Levi held out an iPhone to him, a new contacts window open and waiting.

Oh. Well that was easy. “Yeah, I was just about to ask you that.” He confessed. With a trembling finger, he tapped in his number one digit at a time. He considered putting in his name, too, but Levi pulled the phone back too hastily.

He examined his screen, typed something else – probably Erwin’s name – and then locked and tucked it away in his back pocket. “I’ll text you later.” Simple as that.

“Yeah…” Erwin said dumbly.

“Talk to you later, Erwin.” Levi didn’t wave goodbye, but he made the same alluring face that assured Erwin that Levi definitely wanted to see him again. The same face from the hospital.

Erwin wanted that face near his again.


	12. Punk & Folk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, for it to be a bar fight, you two would have had to fight. You just sucker punched a guy and ran.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to warn you guys, I'm not incredibly satisfied with how this chapter turned out. I was on a roll, then life things happened, and I fizzled out. You can literally see where I trip and fall and then tumble further down hill. I actually tried writing this chapter with four other different endings, one that would have left Erwin and Levi grouchy. I'm sorry if you're disappointed with the lame ending of this chapter, but I promise you won't care when I post the next one. I'll give you three guesses why.
> 
> Thanks a million x 1 for all the kudos and comments! I love all of you, you guys keep me motivated. I love to see what you guys think, I especially enjoy responding and answering any questions you guys have. 
> 
> By the way, you can find me on tumblr as [cloudninekitty](http://cloudninekitty.tumblr.com/). I always love makin' freinds :3
> 
> Warning! There is mention of an alcoholic, abusive father in this chapter. It's a very short bit, but I just wanted to make a warning to avoid triggering anyone (and don't worry, it's not Erwin or Levi's father that's mentioned)!
> 
> Last but not least, I did an [art thing](http://cloudninekitty.tumblr.com/post/113029824566/nestlequicksketch-drew-this-with-mosquito-bite-in) for Mosquito Bite. It's a portrait of Levi hugging a giant penis.

Levi texted Erwin sixty-seven hours, forty-eight minutes, and twelve seconds later, and receiving that message was like a gulp of fresh water for a man stranded on a deserted island. It was a practical text, straight to the point.

From: Unknown number  
This is Levi. I got tickets to a folk punk concert at the Peach Bottom Music Hall. Do you want to go?

Erwin read the text again, skin pinching between furry brows. What on earth was folk punk?

After googling the folk punk genre and getting a headache from the songs - alternating between heavy guitar strums to slow twanging of each string - he sampled to better understand what he was being asked to, he decided that _no_ , he did _not_ want to go to a folk punk concert. _Ever_.

To: Levi  
I’d love to. When is it?

Oh damn, he had it bad, didn’t he?

The next night found him knocking his head on the roof of Levi’s fourth generation Honda Civic, exhaling tersely through his teeth.

“You okay?” Levi asked blandly, coming around the front from the driver’s side with a lenient stride. He whirled his key ring around his middle finger inattentively, watching Erwin straighten to full height while nursing the top of his head.

“I will be,” Erwin smirked at a dark thought. “I’ve been through worse.” He added with a shrug of his right shoulder, and Levi huffed through his nose in laughter.

They trotted through traffic to get across the street, the music hall emitting harsh guitar strumming and a whiney voice that had Erwin’s head aching worse than Levi’s too small car. He cringed when Levi opened the door and the sounds only amplified. He wondered absently if it was too late to back out now, say he wasn’t feeling well, that maybe hitting his head had given him another concussion. He really liked Levi – Was that the understatement of the century! - but Erwin had spent plenty of college days doing things he loathed for the people he liked, and he was a tad too old to be doing it now.

“It’s fucking terrible, isn’t it?” Levi asked him suddenly.

Erwin’s eyebrows lifted into his hairline. “What?”

“The music,” Levi turned to him, a fierce sneer etched into his features, twisted enough to be a Halloween mask. “It’s awful.”

Erwin gawked. “Then why are we here?”

“A friend of mine is playing tonight. I came to support him despite his terrible life choices and poor taste in music.” Levi smirked, and they chuckled together, a harmonious sound that was overruled by the sudden eruption of applauds and whistling and whooping as the singer that was on stage waved and took his leave. Levi said something else that Erwin missed.

“What?” He shouted over the crowd.

“Plus they make some awesome cocktails here!” Levi yelled right back.

Well then. Consider him convinced.

The Peach Bottom Music Hall was a renovated building from the nineteenth century, the rafters polished and hanging with sting lights and paper lanterns and some of the most obscure country flags from around the globe. The walls were exposed brick that reached up three stories. The place was completely open, with two layers of balconies along the walls, even above the stage that was on the far north wall of the ground floor. There was a bar, designed like a stretched indoor gazeebo, strung with more Christmas lights and vintage photos – and a rusty bicycle? – along the opposite end of the room, and Erwin and Levi wordlessly agreed that that was where they wanted to be.

They crammed themselves into a space along the bar, pressed tight together and to the other patrons lining the counter. There were several bartenders in skinny jeans and plaid flannel shirts zipping about in the crammed space, bussing and serving. A curvaceous girl with plump red lips and plum colored hair paused in front of them to take their orders, and Levi ordered himself some drink with a name that completely baffled Erwin. He took a few steps away, the barkeep turned to Erwin next, and he opened his mouth to ask for a drink menu, but decided not to be _that guy_ who hogged a spot at the bar just to decide what he wanted.

“I’ll have whatever he’s having.” Erwin muttered.

“Two ‘I Choose You, Pikachu’s coming up!”

She left and Erwin turned to Levi, whose back was to him, eyes scanning the crowd from where he leaned against the railing of the gazeebo. Erwin leaned down, lips next to Levi’s ear and he rumbled out, “What did I just order?”

Levi visibly shuddered, shoulders hunching, scrunching, knocking Erwin in the chin with sharp curves. “Hell if I know.”

“Same thing as you,” Erwin supplied.

“A pineapple cocktail with black and red cherries.” He answered distractedly.

Erwin looked in the direction of Levi’s pinpoint focus. A young woman with shoulder length strawberry blonde hair and a man with unruly curls on top of an undercut; nothing else stood out about them. “You know them?”

“I did.”

Erwin chanced another glance. A couple, about Levi’s age, the girl looked to be shorter than Levi by an inch or so. She watched the stage with a quiet calm, the only indication of her enjoyment being the smile in the corner of her lips. The man looked like he had bitten his tongue, sullen and sour. Erwin revisited Levi with discerning regard.

“Ah.”

“Ah?” Levi snapped, finally looking at Erwin.

“So that’s them. The couple.”

“What the hell do you know.”

“Only what you’ve allowed me, Levi. Did you know they would be here?”

“No. They live out of state. But…they’re also Eld’s friend.”

“Eld…” Erwin tested.

“The friend playing tonight.”

“Hm.”

The waitress called their order, impressively loud over the speakers that were pumping the singer on stage.

“I’ll go get them--” Erwin halted in the middle of turning around, felt mosquitoes douse his right side in flames. Oh. Right. Levi didn’t acknowledge his blunder and approached the bar. “At least let me pay for them.”

Levi shrugged. “Fine. Next one’s on me.”

Erwin paid for their drinks, followed Levi out into the crowd, settling in a gap where they wouldn’t have to bump elbows with anyone.

“So you don’t keep in contact with them at all.” Erwin mused aloud. He stood close to Levi, bent forward so he could hear him speak.

“It’s been seven years since I’ve spoken to them. I got too caught up in…other things.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I don’t want to fucking talk about it.” Levi hissed, not to bite but to defend.

Erwin straightened his back, eyelids heavy. This certainly wasn’t how he had expected the evening to go. He hadn’t had a plan, per se, other than make tonight enjoyable for the both of them and maybe have another chance to do it again.

Levi suddenly yanked him down by his shoulder, always his left shoulder. “Not here, I meant. And not tonight.”

But maybe one day, Erwin filled in the blank.

“Do you have work tomorrow?” Erwin steered the subject away, completely casual and certainly not bent out of shape.

“Nope.” His lips popped on the word and Erwin thought it was the most adorable thing he had ever witnessed Levi do.

“What a coincidence, neither do I.”

“Fuck, you have a terrible sense of humor.”

“I’ve been told.”

“Keep it up.”

If Erwin could have his way, he’d snatch Levi up in his arm and cradle him against his chest, breathe in his hair. Levi smelled good tonight. He’d never taken much of a notice to Levi’s scent – he wasn’t Mike – but in that moment Erwin caught a whiff of citrus, jasmine, musk. Clean, fresh, salacious.

Levi, completely unaware of Erwin’s hammering pulse for him, watched as the lead singer on stage began jumping around in a circle, spinning, nearly knocking the microphone off the stage. It made his nasally singing voice skip lyrics and hit notes that would make infants cry on cue.

“I am not drunk enough for this.” He downed his drink in four large gulps, sighed at the burn that coated his throat. “I’m going to get something stronger. Want anything?”

Erwin wasn’t a drinker. He preferred beer to cocktails and would rather sit at home than be out at a concert. “I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

Levi waited as he drained his glass and handed it over.

Erwin wished he had gone with him to the bar. Alone, in this crowd, he felt like there were eyes on him. Staring, stinging more than mosquitoes, burning more than a hot iron on the palm on his hand, but no one was looking.

He hadn’t anticipated this kind of unease before – the fear of what the general public might think of him as he walked down the street. His network of friends responded kindly, treated him like the same man, _offered him a_ _promotion_ – he still had to call Shadis and apologize, and then further discuss his position.

Levi returned with a transparent plastic tray fashioned in the shape of a box with sixteen sections, each filled with a plastic shot glass with colored pop lids. “The red tops are tequila shots, yellow ones are Melon Ball shots, blue are jello shots, and the green are Kamikaze shots.”

“Shit, Levi, that’s a lot.” Erwin followed him to a bar table along the chipped brick wall, the surface of the table covered in empty and half full beer cups. Levi handed Erwin the tray while he cleaned the table methodically, throwing the cups away in a nearby trashcan and wiping it down with a damp paper towel from the men’s restroom. He was doing a better job keeping this establishment clean than its own staff.

“I hate clutter.” Levi admitted.

“You would have hated my college dorm room, then.” Erwin teased, set the tray on the table.

“I would have probably hated you in general.” Levi retorted, reaching for a shot with a yellow top first. He popped the lid open with his thumb and knocked it back effortlessly.

Erwin glanced down at the tray. There were four of every shot, two for each of them. “Why did you get this much?”

“I told you the next round was on me.” Levi took another.

“Well, yeah, but this is, like, eight rounds.”

Levi winced as he swallowed, eyes squeezed shut. “Yeah,” he looked up at Erwin. “Your point?”

“We’re going to get drunk.” Erwin pressed. A male and female duo started screaming about how much they hated each other into the microphone on stage; somehow they thought it would be a good idea to write it as a part of their song. They sounded like they were losing their minds – Erwin certainly was. “You drove here!” He shouted over them.

“I know!”

“How are we going to get home?”

“We’ll figure that out when we decide to leave.”

“No, Levi, that’s not a good idea.” Erwin said simply, but Levi was opening a jello shot next. Erwin scoffed and pulled out his phone, setting it on top of the table so he could unlock the screen and text Mike hastily.

Levi finished the rest of his share by the time Erwin was pocketing his phone, the slow texter that he was. “You done being responsible? All good now?”

“I am. Yes.” Erwin took his first shot, and oh how it burned so sweetly. His face glowed red as he took it in silence, breathing hard through his nose.

“There you go…” Levi said almost comfortingly, eyelids cast low, in the exact position that Erwin loved. He wanted to stare right back at them, but Levi was handing him another shot glass. Blue lid. “We’re going to have fun tonight. We’re going to dance to fucking horrible music and drink and then collapse.”

That wasn’t necessarily Erwin’s definition of fun, but if Levi wanted it, then he would not deny him. This would be the last time, though. Probably. He finished off the last shot, and placed it neatly back into the tray. Around them, groups of young adult hipsters did their own shots, some performing neat tricks with the glasses, before and after draining them, which the two older men marveled at.

“Look at that fucker throwing it up in the air and catching it with his teeth.” Levi pointed out one group of, well, to Erwin they looked like teenagers, but anyone under thirty looked like a kid to him these days. Especially the one boy who had freckles, having a good laugh with his drunk buddy. Did they card people before coming in here? Levi hadn’t been carded at the bar, but then again, he was a short man with an stony face – it was obvious he was well past twenty-five, at least to Erwin.

Erwin couldn’t recall having a conversation about moving away from the ring of spectators that had gathered around to witness the competitive drinking, but they were in the crowd again. They didn’t dance, or at least they didn’t do Erwin’s idea of dancing, which was the waltz or tango or dancing cheek to cheek in the arms of your partner. Levi would be too short for that anyway; he’d have to lift Levi up and twirl them about the room.

Levi’s friend came on stage, and he was possibly the most tolerable performance of the night, as far as Erwin could comprehend. Eld Jinn, as the man announced himself, was a healthy looking man with sandy blond hair and soulful brown eyes. He had his thin hair pulled back in a bun at the base of his skull, and had a sad excuse for a goatee on his square chin. Eld’s lyrics were witty, varied between finding himself and love and life stories. He missed his girlfriend, apparently, and he cut his hair with a knife in a gas station bathroom once. He had a map of a place he’d never heard of, though Erwin was sure that everyone had heard of the state of Oregon before. Eld wished he could speak a foreign language.

“How do you know this guy?” Erwin asked, perhaps crowding against Levi more than necessary.

Levi didn’t answer right away, and Erwin blinked, eyes wide like an owl. He bent over to look Levi in the face from an odd angle. Levi covered Erwin’s face with his hand. “Hold on, I’m trying to remember.”

“You don’t remember?”

“I’m trying to.”

“How can you forget this…mastermind…of music? Lyrical genius.”

“Oh, that’s right. That couple we saw earlier-” Levi’s breath hitched. He recovered immediately. “We met him at an open mic performance at a college campus coffee…place…thing.”

“You make friends easily, don’t you?”

“Not really. I tend to make people uncomfortable. But there are a few who won’t leave me alone.”

“Hey, you asked _me_ out tonight.” Erwin objected.

“Not _you_ , idiot. I don’t mind having you around when you’re not being a self-loathing piece of shit.”

Erwin straightened his back, guilt clenching around him like a giant’s palm, inexorable and overwhelming.

“Like right now. Stop that. I like hanging out with you, Erwin. And I’m sure I’d like you even more if you just…”

“Just what?”

“Just be yourself.”

With that, they fell into a comfortable, contemplative silence that was not meant for the environment they were in,

By the end of Eld’s performance, Erwin had no idea how long he and Levi had been standing in the crowd, pressed comfortably together, bobbing their heads around to the music, but eventually Levi said he wanted more to drink and Erwin agreed. As charming as Eld had been, his music was no better than the rest of the artists that had been on stage.

As they walked, it felt like the whole room was too stuffy, sweaty, all the bodies creating a smelly human heat lamp that had Erwin ready to pull his shirt off. He didn’t think he was horrendously drunk, definitely on the deep end of buzzed (definitely feeling the effect of the eight shots he had swallowed back to back), but there were plenty of other people around them worse off. As he followed Levi, weaving between people like a thick string of yarn trying to thread through the eye of a needle, they passed by a girl asleep standing up, her head nestled on her friend’s, or boyfriend’s, shoulder.

“What do you want?” Levi asked him when they reached the bar.

“Pikachu.” Erwin said dumbly. It was the only cocktail drink he knew.

“Okay. After this, let’s go home.”

“I’ll call Mike.” Erwin supplied, but he texted him instead. It didn’t take long for Mike to respond; he always kept his phone by him.

From: Mike  
I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Wait outside for me.

Erwin clumsily put his phone into his pocket, but it missed and fell onto the sticky concrete floor with a clatter. He grumbled, bent down to pick it up with popping spine and knees. Next to where his phone landed was a leather wallet with neat stitching. He put his phone in his shirt pocket first, then picked up the wallet. Inside was a driver’s license of a man with a blond crewcut and small eyes. Erwin looked around the area, found a similar guy standing only a few feet in front of him, clearly having coming straight from the bar.

“Excuse me, Mr. Harrison…uh…Reuter?” Erwin called, watching the man turn around. He looked exactly like the photo ID, if not a little haggard from intoxication. “You dropped this.” Erwin held out the wallet.

“Oohhhhh…oh shit, man! Thank you!” He took his wallet, and Harrison Reuter looked so happy, it made Erwin happy, too. Infectious happiness. “Man, thanks, I woulda been killed if I lost this. Hey, you enjoying the music? Isn’t this all great? Life is great!”

Wow, he was really wasted. “Life _is_ great.” Erwin admitted. “But this music is not.”

“Huh?”

“The music is horrible!” Erwin said a little louder, laughing.

Harrison Reuter looked insulted. “What? How can you say that?”

“I don’t mean to personally offend…” Erwin began, but Harrison Reuter was already getting up in arms. It was truly astounding just how angry someone could become with the help of alcohol. Erwin had a brief glimpse of his past, of a neighborhood friend he played with as a small boy. Their father was an alcoholic, and just the smallest giggle would set him off on a lengthy tirade about how they were too loud. One evening, Erwin returned home with the skin on the heels of his hands and knees torn and bleeding. He had tried to step between his friend and their father, but there was only so much an right year old could do to stop a grown man that worked as a tanker for two weeks at a time. Erwin’s parents’ called the police, and never let him return to that house again.

“Well I am offended! What don’t you like about the music? Huh?”

“Well, it’s just bad-”

“That’s not a reason. Be more specific with your criticism. I want some constructive feedback.”

“I really don’t want to argue - I was just returning your wallet.” Erwin said, baffled beyond belief at the moment. His brain process was slow at the moment; he didn’t understand how things suddenly got like this with Harrison Reuter. He thought they were friends. At least acquaintances. Who the hell was Harrison Reuter anyway?

“You come here and ruin my good vibe with your negativity and I don’t like that. You know what? I’m going to knock some sense into you. Then you’ll like the music.”

“What the fuck?” Erwin blurted – he hardly ever used crass language, only when he was drinking. “That does not make any sense. You need to calm down, son.” Why did he call him son? This guy was twenty-seven – at least that was what he gathered from the ID – only ten years younger than Erwin himself. It was physically impossible for Erwin to be his father. Harrison Reuter raised his arm to punch Erwin, and Erwin lifted his only arm to defend himself. “Wait, wait, wait!”

Several people turned to look at them, watching, and they all seemed to realize at the same time as Harrison Reuter.

“Oh. Shit.” The drunk man muttered, looking at the empty space on Erwin’s right side. Murmuring spread like a ring on the surface of water, a stone dropped. “Uh…I…”

Erwin felt like a million eyes were on him instead of the twenty-something that was gathered around, watching, waiting, to see if Harrison Reuter really had it in him to punch Erwin Smith, the handicapped.

It made his stomach churn; that this man honestly thought him incapable just because Erwin stood before him with a single arm. No one should be hitting anyone in the first place, the rational part of Erwin's brain argued. More importantly, no one should underestimate Erwin. Lip curling in disgust, Erwin did the first thing that he felt natural. He balled his hand into a fist and socked Harrison Reuter square in the jaw with all the strength he could muster in his buzzed state of being. A few people shouted praises in Erwin's favor - which was refreshing, if Erwin was being honest with himself - others choked on their shock. The man stumbled backwards a couple steps, someone, possibly a buddy of his, catching him.

“Erwin, what the fuck are you doing?” Levi stood behind Erwin, hands full with cocktails.

“Uh…” Erwin straightened his back. What _was_ he doing? “We should go.”

Levi handed off the drinks to some girls that were watching, too stunned to refuse them. Erwin explained the situation once they were outside, and he could breathe better in the warm air.

“God, I can’t take you anywhere without you turning Macho Man Randy Savage on some drunk asshole.” Levi snorted, leaned against the exterior of the building.

Levi looked like a perfect picture, hair parted and damp from sweat – oh, so it had simply been too hot in there, it wasn’t just the alcohol – and eyes deep and dark. Erwin wanted to be close to him like this, pulse thrumming clear and hard, alive. He stepped in front of Levi, positioned his elbow against the wall, and rested his head in his hand. Levi looked up at him, shook his bangs out of his face so they could see each other openly.

“Do you feel better now?”

“I haven’t been in a bar fight since college.” Erwin confessed.

“Well, for it to be a bar fight, you two would have had to fight. You just sucker punched a guy and ran.”

“Oh shit. You’re right. I should go find him and apologize.”

“No. Stay here with me.”

What an enticing alternative that Erwin certainly could not refuse.

“And that’s not what I asked you,” Levi continued. “Do you _feel better_?”

Maybe Erwin was reading too much into the question. Maybe he misunderstood. He looked at Levi and said, “I'm starting to feel like myself again.”

And not because he was having an adrenaline rush that gave him the confidence to be this close to Levi for no good reason, or because he was drunk, or because he hit someone. He had done things tonight that made him feel like himself again. He acquired them a ride home, secured their safety, went out to a place with a hundred people, and he had fun. He felt like he was being put back together piece by piece, and now he was most definitely almost complete. There were just a few more thing he had to take care of, one particular important piece stood at the top of his list. But that could wait until tomorrow morning.

Levi’s eyes were larger, only a fraction so, and brighter, and he straightened his back. He looked charming, mollified, and he was waiting for something.

Erwin wanted to give him that something.

The sound of tires pulling up to the curb had Erwin turning to look at the street. “Oh…Mike’s here.”

“So he is.” Levi sighed.

Nanaba got out of the passenger side and smiled guiltily at the two men, like she knew they had interrupted something. “Hi guys.” 

Mumford & Sons was strumming away from Mike's car radio and Erwin cringed. He didn't want to hear another acoustic guitar for a very long time, if ever again. Surely he had fulfilled some sort of lifetime achievement award for what he had endured tonight.

“Nanaba, I wasn’t expecting you, too.” Erwin smiled at her, lifted her up in a hug.

“Stop showing off, Smith.” She teased when he set her back on her feet.

“I just punched someone.” Erwin gave a sheepish, drunk grin.

“I’m sure he deserved it.”

“Oh, he did.” Levi commented.

“Oh yeah,” Erwin looked between them. “Nanaba, this is Levi. Levi, this is-”

“We already met in the hospital.” Levi interrupted, and Nanaba nodded.

“It’s been a while, though. How’ve you been?”

Levi shrugged. “Still taking care of this guy, even off the clock, so nothing new.”

“And believe me, we’re grateful for it.” Nanaba smiled. “Well, I’m here to drive someone’s car to Erwin’s apartment - whoever drove here. This isn’t the best neighborhood to just leave a car.”

“Mine. And yes please, thank you.” He fished his keys out of his pants pocket and passed them along to her. “You’ll have to turn on the high beams. My regular headlights don’t work. Don't worry, they're not too bright so you won't piss anyone off. I’m that piece of junk Honda over there.”

“Oh, awesome.” Nanaba took the keys and ducked back into the passenger seat to give Mike a kiss. “See you there, big puppy.”

“Love you.” Mike muttered.

Erwin gave Levi the front seat while he stretched out in the back of Mike’s 2010 4Runner. They always took Mike’s car out when they went hiking or fishing, or on the rare occasions they went to the beach together. It was roomy and dependable, and Erwin loved the lemongrass air freshener Nanaba made Mike keep in the car.

“On a scale of one to five, how drunk are you two?” Mike asked when they were settled in.

“Two.” Levi said at the same time that Erwin said, “Three.”

“I can hold my liquor better than this guy.” Levi argued.

“I am borderline drunk.” Erwin said.

Mike shook his head, “Levi, would you like a ride back to your place?”

Levi didn’t respond, instead twisting around in his seat to look at Erwin. “What do you want to do?”

Well, he certainly didn’t feel like going anywhere else. When Erwin checked the clock on the dashboard, he saw that it was past midnight. In all honesty, he was ready to settle back into his apartment and watch the late shows with Jimmy Fallon or Conan O’Brien. He hadn’t been expecting company; his apartment was a mess. He still had plates stacked a foot high in the sink and empty glasses and to-go boxes on his coffee table. There was a small hill of dirty clothes forming in a corner of the hallway, between the closet that accommodated his stacked washer and dryer set and the bathroom. Surely Levi would be appalled by the state of Erwin’s home—Wait.

Did Levi want to have sex? The thought was horribly blunt; it made Erwin blush like a middle school boy. What signs were there that Levi was even remotely interested in him? He _did_ tell Erwin that he enjoyed his presence – maybe he was just being nice, but when was Levi ever _just being nice_? – and he was the one who asked for Erwin’s number – or maybe he was tired of waiting, but then that simply meant that he really did want Erwin’s number – and he did ask Erwin out tonight, bought them drinks, wished for Erwin to have fun, even though—

“Erwin?” Mike called loudly, and Erwin came back to himself, to the car, to Levi and to Mike, and the left turn signal was clicking beneath the music, indicating that Mike wanted to get moving.

“We can head back to my apartment.” Erwin suggested, though he was fairly certain that Levi was going to berate him on the state of his living space.

“Sounds like a plan.” Levi sat forward again, complacent.

“Well okay then.” Mike pulled away from the curb. “Before we get too close to your place, Erwin, do you guys want food? I don’t want you two going to bed full of alcohol.”

“Now that you mention it,” Erwin moaned, and Levi peeked at him from the front seat. “I could really go for a burger. And pizza, and a salad, to balance all that out.”

Levi snorted. “I want a burger and fries, too.”

“McDonald’s it is, then.” Mike turned the car right onto a street. The car ride was quiet save for the top forty hits playing on the satellite radio. Mike asked for their orders as they pulled up through the twenty-four hour McDonald’s lane, Levi getting two cheese burgers off the Dollar Menu and a box of large fries while Erwin requested the two Quarter Pounders for five dollars deal with medium fries.

“I’ve got this,” Mike said, pulling around to the pickup window.

“No, Mike, let me pay.” Erwin debated, shifting around in the seat to pull out his wallet.

“No, no, I insist.”

“Mike, don’t-”

“He’s insisting, Erwin.” Levi interposed.

“Mike, here, take my card.”

“Sure, okay.” Mike said offhandedly, ignoring him as he handed the young man at the window his own credit card.

“Mike!” Erwin huffed, feeling betrayed.

Levi turned in his seat and patted Erwin on the knee. “There, there, you big baby. You can pay next time.”

Erwin wanted to stick his tongue out at Levi, but knew that would own fuel the childish impression Levi had of him.

When they arrived at his apartment building, Levi’s car was already parked, Mike pulling into the empty space next to it. Nanaba gave Levi and Erwin a pat on the shoulder as they exchanged gratitude and farewells. Erwin decided to invite them over for dinner soon.

They didn’t have sex, as it turned out. Erwin wasn’t entirely disappointed about that – for several different reasons. After they ate, Levi cringed at every modicum of clutter in Erwin’s apartment, and he cleaned off the coffee table and wiped it down, straightened books and magazines, and even organized Erwin’s DVD collection in alphabetical order. It was entertaining to watch, even though Erwin dozed off in the middle of it.

Levi woke him up at one-thirty and ushered him to bed. They bickered about Levi sleeping in the bed and Erwin taking the couch, but Levi refused to kick him out of his bed, so Erwin resigned to it. He found a toothbrush still in its box in his bathroom cabinet, and they brushed their teeth together, took turns to wash their faces, and Levi watched Erwin take one of his pain pills. He decided to forgo his sleeping medication, considering it was so late. Besides, he didn’t think he’d need them tonight.

He didn’t exactly remember falling asleep, but when he woke up after eight that morning, he sprang out of bed as though someone were holding a match beneath him. He remembered instantly that Levi was in his apartment. Or, hopefully, he still was.

His legs carried him to the living room like a child on Christmas morning, ready to tear open their presents. He registered that the television was on before his eyes found the back of Levi’s head, inky black and bent. Long, pale fingers reached up to scratch at the back of shaved skull, then reached for a glass of water on a coaster. Erwin’s pulse thrummed merrily.

“Morning,” he said, trying to remain casual.

Levi glanced over the back of the couch, his eyes first settling on Erwin’s exposed abdomen, then lifting up slowly, heavily, almost reluctantly, up to Erwin’s face. “Hey.”

“Did you sleep well?” Erwin asked. He kept his feet planted on the tile floor. He was afraid that if he stepped near Levi he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to scoop him up and bury his face into the slender neck. Maybe he shouldn’t have let Levi sleep over, because his foggy morning brain was confused.

“I don’t really sleep much.” Levi admitted offhandedly. He patted the couch cushion next to him and Erwin had no choice but to obey.

“You have insomnia?”

“Yeah. It’s whatever.” Levi took a long sip of water. The conversation was over because Levi wished it.

“Are you hungry?” Erwin asked instead.

“Yeah, actually. But you don’t have anything. I already raided your kitchen.” He had no shame in doing so.

“I know, I need to go to the store.” Erwin rubbed his face with his hand, felt along the stubble on his jaw. Levi watched him, and Erwin wondered if he was just as tempted as Erwin was. To hold each other. “Want to go to IHOP or somewhere?”

Levi’s lip curled in disinterest. “Not really. I’ve been in these clothes for over sixteen hours. I feel gross, and I don’t want to go out in public.”

That was understandable. “Well, I can go pick some up, then.”

Levi looked at him, his gaze flickering as he tried to meet both of Erwin’s eyes. “That would be amazing, actually. You don’t mind?”

“Not at all.” And he really didn’t. If it meant keeping Levi here just a couple of hours longer…he wasn’t ready to let go of him quite yet. “You can take a shower if you’d like. I’ll find you something to wear.”

“If you think I’m going to fit in your giant ass clothes, you are wrong.”

Erwin laughed, but that didn’t stop him from looking. In the end, all he could gather was a pair of black basketball shorts with a drawstring and a green hoodie that swallowed Levi, but he didn’t complain, and neither did Erwin.

Something about returning to his apartment with eggs and pancakes and hash browns and French toast to see Levi tidying up while wearing Erwin’s clothes made everything feel right, like things were clicking into place. He wanted this moment to last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really upset because I didn't notice until after I posted this that some bits of this chapter are missing. My computer had rebooted suddenly on me and I thought the autosave had kept all the changes I had made. That's what I get for quickly scrolling over it instead of actually checking.
> 
> I went back and fixed it. Sorry, guys, this chapter really was a mess.


	13. A to B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Text me when you get home?” He spoke softly, a question of understanding underlying his words. But, if his assumptions were correct, Levi was getting tired of understanding. 
> 
> “Yeah, I will.” Levi said, but Erwin knew that he wouldn’t be receiving a text that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Back with another chapter, this time imported from Germany. I simply couldn't wait to get back to the states to post this!
> 
> Thank you all for such wonderful comments and all the kudos, and much love to the silent readers who stick with me. Y'all are so sweet and awesome! Enjoy!
> 
> (I may or may not have planned this to be the thirteenth chapter.)

Levi was stretched out on Erwin’s couch, head nestled on the most perfect, cozy pillow to ever exist. Or, that was what he mumbled to Erwin when he had sunk his head on Erwin’s moderately meaty thigh. They weren’t on a date per se, but for the past three weeks Levi and Erwin had been meeting up every night - usually exclusive, but sometimes with Hange and Moblit or Mike and Nanaba - to dine at a restaurant, munch and drink and watch baseball games at a sports bar, attend indie movie premieres, go grocery shopping, or even jog along the levee at sunset.

Erwin considered that perhaps Levi was taking his job a little too seriously, making sure Erwin remained physically active and capable. He pushed for Erwin to complete tasks on his own with Levi’s own brand of silent motivation. When Erwin voiced his doubts, Levi was there to listen, then ask what Erwin planned on doing about it. In a way, their dynamic developed into something akin to his and Mike’s. Mike never told Erwin what to do, only requested that Erwin step outside the situation so he could better assess and counter. The only subtle difference was that Erwin didn’t want to kiss the breath out of Mike every time he looked at him.

The wish alone was twisting, saturating, strangling. What would Levi’s lips feel like against his? Right now they were red from the Sriracha flavored Lay’s chips. Levi’s mouth would be a spicy dynamite delight that Erwin would suck on until the roof of his own mouth burned and begged for relief, a reprieve that could only be achieved through further indulgence. He sighed, deep and long, straight from his diaphragm. Why was he torturing himself this way?

“Hey, I can hear you thinking up there.” Levi said, glancing away from the television screen where the second movie of the Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy was playing. Erwin had never seen anything past the first three quarters of Shaun of the Dead, which turned out to be unacceptable when Levi made a reference from The World’s End that had completely been lost on Erwin.

Erwin chose not to respond. If he opened his mouth at that moment he could end up saying something he’d regret.

Levi reached over to the coffee table to wipe his fingers and mouth on a napkin, folded it neatly, and then turned onto his back to look up at Erwin. “Errr-wiiin.”

Erwin’s spine always prickled with anticipation when Levi said his name like that. Like he already knew every single thread of thought that made up the webs of his conscious, and he was sweeping lithe fingers over them, deciding which one to pluck and pull out into the open space between them.

“I was thinking about work,” He fibbed. “I was made an offer.”

“An offer. That sounds exciting.” Levi certainly didn’t sound enthusiastic.

“Keith Shadis, the current chief of the fire department, would like to appoint me as the next in line.”

Levi reached for the remote and lowered the volume of the movie. “And you don’t think you’re suited for the job because…blank.”

“You’re going to make me say it.” Erwin exhaled deep from the pit of his head and stomach, lead and smoke and sand.

“No, don’t say it. I’m tired of hearing it, even from my own mouth.”

“That hurts, Levi.”

“I never said I was nice.”

Erwin couldn’t agree more. Levi certainly wasn’t nice, but he was compassionate, empathetic. He cared about humanity and animals and the environment. He wasn’t any Nelson Mandela, but he fought for his beliefs, even if his methods were on the crude side, and he had a potty mouth.

A potty mouth that Erwin wanted to kiss numb and red.

“You should take the offer.”

“Oh?” Erwin kept his arm glued to the back of the couch, but it twitched to swaddle Levi and clutch him close to his thumping chest; his own personal tidal wave of needles and warm cotton to lift him up.

“I have to see it to believe it, but,” Levi rolled his shoulders, making himself more comfortable on his human pillow. “Mike once told me that you were their fearless leader and a brilliant strategist. You should do that more often.”

“Strategize and lead?”

“Yup,” Levi’s lips popped and Erwin’s hand gripped the back cushion until his knuckles bled white.

Erwin would be lying if he said he didn’t miss his job. There was a saying that he carried with him, a mantra he repeated to new recruits. A firefighter is not a hero for what they’ve done, but a hero for what they might have to do. He took pride in his troupe, and himself, in their success and their failures. He missed that terribly. The success and those failures.

He wasn’t meant for the couch potato life.

Levi’s hand touched his jaw, thumb massaging shaved skin with exercised circles. Erwin’s eyes slid shut against his will, an eased sigh escaping. The hand left and Levi sat up, and Erwin’s eyes flew open. Had he done something wrong—

Before his panic could settle over him, before the mosquitoes even had a chance to flutter their wings, Levi was bestriding him in one agile swing of his legs. He settled in Erwin’s lap with all purpose and intent, eyelids in that lowered position that made Erwin want to kiss each one, then Levi’s cheekbones, then the bridge of his nose.

“Levi…” Erwin kept his voice low and hushed.

Levi answered by returning his hand to Erwin’s face, joined by the other, and two thumbs pressed into his eyebrows. Smoothing and kneading until Erwin couldn’t keep his head upright or his eyes open. Head against the back of the couch, he allowed Levi to have his way with him. Deft fingertips rolled over his skin as if it were dough, starting from the top and working their way down. Two fingers pressed gently into his temples while thumbs rotated over his forehead, smoothing every crease in sight.

A puff of breath beat against Erwin’s lips and he peeked through his knitted eyelashes, felt himself warm at the close proximity of Levi’s face. They never had this when they were standing, and Erwin was reminded briefly of when their lips had accidentally brushed in the bar. Another accident had yet to occur, but it wasn’t like they were working to avoid it. Right now, all Erwin could think about was carding his fingers through those soft, dark hairs and tugging Levi down so they could breathe each other in, and maybe, just maybe, mosquitoes wouldn’t get in the way this time.

The hunger caged within his ribs was a fierce and pounding beast that threatened to swallow them both, even if it meant just a moment under the sun, or, the soft yellow glow of his living room lamp.

He sighed, settled himself further into the cushions as Levi massaged Erwin’s sharp cheekbones with extra care. The room smelled like weed, but the pipe had extinguished over an hour ago. Everything was slow and deliberate, every blink and exhale, every slide of hands and shift in hips and legs. The massage ended too soon but it also felt like it had lasted hours.

“Hey,” Levi said, leaning forward to talk low and slow in Erwin’s ear. “You awake?”

The base of Erwin’s skull tingled, and Erwin wondered if somehow Levi was making all his nerve endings sizzle and fray. He forced his eyes to open, and he wrapped his arm around Levi, hugged him close to his chest. “No.”

“No?”

Erwin kept his arm on Levi's warm back even when he realized he was doing it. “Actually, I am.”

“Well, to tell the truth, you didn't have me fooled.”

And to tell the truth, Erwin wanted to stretch out on the couch and hold him tight for the rest of the night. He glanced past Levi, observed the happenings on screen for a fleeting second, then moved his eyes down to the clock on the DVD player. It was nearing midnight, and Levi had work the next day.

Don't say it, his brain begged. But Erwin was nothing if not responsible. “It's late, huh?”

Levi's breathing came to a stuttering halt right in Erwin's ear, and immediately he knew that he ruined whatever this was, whatever had brought Levi to his lap.

They cleaned up together, Levi wrapping the last slice of pizza in foil before flattening the box and sticking it in the recycle bin beneath the sink. Levi had methodically cleaned Erwin’s kitchen last week, and wiped down the counters any time he used it. He sure seemed to be taking his time tonight, as if giving Erwin the chance to reflect on his words.

Minutes ticked by, but Erwin said nothing beyond selective small talk. They came to a complete halt at his door, Levi, full of pizza and sparkling juice and a little high, tugging on his shoes while Erwin held the door to the hallway open.

“Mike is grilling steaks tomorrow night,” Erwin informed the shorter man. “He invited you, said not to worry about bringing anything. I’m going to grab a case of beer on the way anyway.”

“I don’t have any standing plans after work.” Levi straightened only to lean back against the doorframe opposite of Erwin. His eyelids low, Erwin’s favorite position low, the smoldering grey of Levi’s eyes sucking the oxygen from the space between them. It was a look that was hard to miss – lips parted in invitation, eyelashes casting shadows over cheekbones, fingers sweeping away bangs to make it more obvious – and it thrilled Erwin.

Levi wanted Erwin to kiss him (he hoped that was what this was, that this was the correct message, that there were no possible mixed signals). For some reason, a purpose that Erwin couldn’t piece together on his own, Levi waited for Erwin, left it up to him to decide the path of their relationship. Perhaps he was hurt in the past, or perhaps he was waiting for Erwin to prove he was ready. Erwin wanted nothing more than to prove himself to this man.

He swallowed but his heart was still in his throat, so he clutched the doorframe above Levi and leaned down, and Levi tilted his head back, pulling him closer and closer with his gravity. The mosquitoes were drawn to it, to the moment, and they blossomed from his scarred tissue like flowers in spring, biting tendrils wrapping around a limb that isn’t there and squeezing, parading over his shoulder, barraging through his open lips and down his throat, inside his chest, because he wasn’t worthy of this, of this man. Levi was the strongest man Erwin had ever met, and who was he to take such a precious gem and claim it as his own.

He retreated back against his side of the threshold, clearing his throat and trying his best to diffuse the static in his body. “Text me when you get home?” He spoke softly, a question of understanding underlying his words. But, if his assumptions were correct, Levi was getting tired of understanding.

Too ashamed to look Levi in the eyes, he watched his pale forehead wrinkle with disappointment in Erwin. Erwin had fucked up.

“Yeah, I will.” Levi said, but Erwin knew that he wouldn’t be receiving a text that night. Levi walked calmly, if not a little slower than usual, to the elevator. He pressed the button to wait for it, but he didn’t turn around to look at Erwin once. The doors slid open, Levi stepped inside, and seconds later they shut behind him. That simply wasn’t right.

_Erwin_ , his subconscious growled at him,  _go_!

Leaving his apartment door wide open (who cared if someone walked inside, Erwin had nothing of value to steal other than his TV, and that was honestly the least of his worries at the moment) Erwin bolted down the opposite end of the hallway, slamming the left side of his body against the door to the stairwell. It threw him off his equilibrium, the door swinging to the right and leaving him to spin and flail until he caught himself against the railing, gazing down the dimly lit cavern of steps.

Grateful for the hours he spent in gyms to keep physically fit, he grabbed on to the left hand rail for balance, and rushed down the stairs, skipping the last three steps before every landing, leaping and stamping. If anyone saw him he would look like a mad man, hair (that Levi had combed back for him earlier in the evening) falling against his forehead, breathing fire through his flared nostrils, eyes bulging with concentration, intent.

The stairs spiraled to the right, and Erwin wondered why he had to lose his dominant arm of all limbs, but it wasn’t the time for self-deprecating thoughts.

He wouldn’t think about what he was doing. He refused to. The mosquitoes were his damn anxiety holding him back, and he’d given them their way too many times in the past three months, but not this time. He refused, _he refused_. He imagined them chasing after him through the concrete, but this time he was faster. That, or he was finally overcoming them.

By some miracle, or the simple fact that the lifts in his building were slow, he beat the elevator to the lobby. No one was in sight, everyone tucked away on a work and school night, the two shops at the base of Erwin’s building closed down with metal gates blocking the doorways.

He braced himself against the wall next to the elevator buttons, legs and chest burning to thin ash inside his body, breathing ragged and eyes staring desperately up at the dial above the doors, revealing the floor of the descending carriage. Third floor, second floor, first, lobby, doors sliding open to reveal the sole passenger inside.

Levi didn’t budge from where he stood in the back of the elevator, though his hardened features shifted into something akin to pleasant surprise.

“You big idiot,” he scoffed.

Burning legs and lungs be damned. Erwin pushed himself toward his goal, his source of life, and the elevator doors closed behind him. His fingers dug mercilessly into the back of Levi’s scalp, but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize as he finally, _finally_ , tasted cooling Sriracha lips and felt muscular arms circle his neck and shoulders. He practically had Levi bent backwards in half, but the other man didn’t complain, pushed up on his toes and mouth aggressive against Erwin’s with the same measure of need and desire.

It was like a dying man getting his first, and possibly last, bite to eat in weeks. Like the first dunk in a chill pool of water, shocking but refreshing and body adjusting to it. Like when you peel off painter’s tape to reveal a perfect, clean edge of color.

Fulfilling.

Erwin was quickly becoming addicted to Levi’s mouth, to the gasps of breath he took when Erwin got clumsy and missed and kissed the corner of his mouth instead, to the fingers clutching at him as though Levi couldn’t stand on his own two legs, and maybe he couldn’t. Maybe he had waited and wanted this so much that he was weak for it. Erwin could empathize with that on a deep level.

“Er-win…” Levi bit at his plump bottom lip, teasing and promising. “Hit the button. Back to your place.”

“Mmm, yeah, just let me…” Erwin maneuvered them awkwardly to the wall on his left, encasing Levi against it with his body while he leaned over to press the button for his floor. The elevator began to creep upwards, and Erwin seized Levi’s lips with his own once more, only this time he was patient and deliberate, licking him open and cupping the base of his skull, neck, jaw, cheek, forehead.

A weight was lifted, and Erwin felt free, free of his trepidations and overbearing thoughts and concerns, and from those broken chains he found Levi standing there – maybe with a lock pick rather than a key. It seemed more fitting.

He didn’t exactly recall stepping out of the elevator. Levi walked him backwards, stopping a moment at his opened apartment door.

“I left it open.” Erwin confirmed, feeling a loss when Levi pulled out of his hold and inspected all the rooms of the apartment.

“You really are an idiot,” Levi huffed as he stepped back into the living room, allowing Erwin to close the door now that he was certain it was safe. “Someone could have waltzed right in and tracked dirt all over the place.”

“Oh, is that what you’re worried about?” Erwin chuckled before sweeping Levi up into his arm again, kissing him quietly, naturally, in the middle of his apartment.

With a renewed sense of self, Erwin lifted Levi – much heavier than he had previously assumed – onto the back of the couch to give his back some relief. The kisses turned more desperate, the same ones from the elevator, saliva clinging between tongue and teeth and lips. Levi was a very open-mouth kisser; Erwin had never dabbled that much in it. A few teasing licks and bump of tongues with past partners, but Levi seemed to want to devour him inside and out, and Erwin wanted to fall into him again and again.

Levi leaned more and more into Erwin’s arm around his back, and Erwin allowed them to tip over on to the couch cushions clumsily. They wrestled to get pillows out of their way until they were well adjusted, Erwin’s arm balancing him on the armrest, kissing, more kissing, because all he wanted to do was kiss this man forever.

A hand cupped him through his jeans and Erwin lifted his head to glance between him. He was semi-hard, the grinding of Levi’s palm coaxing him further, but he didn’t quite feel the usual excitement that came with an erection.

“What’s wrong?” Levi asked breathlessly, free hand combing through Erwin’s hair.

“Uh…I don’t know if I can…” Erwin swallowed. He waited for the disappointed scowl to crisscross over Levi’s visage, but it never came.

“What, have sex?” Levi’s hand remained on Erwin, but it didn’t try to excite him anymore.

“Well, I can,” Erwin affirmed. He wasn’t sure how to explain it, and if it were anyone else he’d be too embarrassed to even try. “I just don’t know if I really have the drive to…”

“Drive me into a mattress?” Levi huffed, not out of annoyance, but to catch his breath after mouthful of confession. Erwin, as always, was just as much grateful for Levi’s candor as he was irked by it.

He sighed, but smiled nonetheless, and gave Levi a sweet kiss on the lips. “Exactly.”

Levi pushed Erwin back so he could sit up, folding his legs under him and fixing Erwin’s hair into place absentmindedly. “Okay then. We can take things slow. I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Erwin, when do I ever say something and not mean it?”

Levi certainly didn’t coddle. Erwin buried his face in Levi’s neck, breathed him in long and deep so that Levi’s scent would be etched into his ribs, just to make sure that this was real, and not some fever dream he was having in his own self-inflicting grief.

“I don’t,” he admitted slowly. “, want to take things slow. I feel like we’ve been taking everything slow this whole time.”

“Well yeah, we’ve been playing by your rules.” Levi quipped.

Erwin deflated against the back of the couch, arm resting along the cushions. “I know. And I appreciate your patience with me.”

“Hey,” Levi’s hands settled on Erwin’s hips, thumbing the muscles there. “Don’t lose steam now. What were you going to say? You don’t want to take things slow?”

Erwin nodded. “No, but I really…don’t know where to start, or if I’ll be disappointing, and-”

“Christ, Erwin.” Levi spat.

“Please don’t use that tone with me.” Erwin exhaled shallowly, gaze boring into Levi.

“Well I’m not going to treat you like a child when you’re being an idiot. You think you’re going to be disappointing in bed, and so does every single decent man out there. I haven’t been sticking around this whole time for mind blowing sex, you big idiot. Erwin, I’ve been in all kinds of relationships in the past…”

 “I’m well aware.”

“You don’t even know half of it.” Levi bit out. “I spent fifteen years of my life exploring all kinds of bizarre and shitty relationships, and honestly I’m done with all that. ‘m not looking for that. Erwin, I’m so beyond done with the wild side of my youth - I’ve already washed my hands of all of it.”

Fifteen years…that was a long time. Levi was nearing his mid-thirties now, and he had spent the entirety of his twenties in sexual exploration. A polyamorous relationship, pegging, dominance and submission, and apparently more than he himself cared to admit. It made Erwin’s head reel.

“Levi…what else have you done?”

Levi’s lip curled distastefully. “You really want to know?”

Something told Erwin he truly didn’t want to. “Well, only in case of…” He waved his hand dismissively between them, but Levi certainly understood the indication.

“Shit, Erwin, I’m clean, you know. I came back negative on my last five tests, and I haven’t even had sex in three years.”

“Okay, I will admit that that does comfort me a little. A lot. But I would still like to know.” Levi pulled back his arms, tucking into himself and somehow becoming impossibly smaller. Erwin wanted to bury him in blankets and kisses and hot tea, but even curled up Levi didn't look quite so vulnerable. He was making himself impenetrable. 

“Do we have to do this tonight?” He asked, staring up at Erwin with gunmetal eyes.

“Absolutely not. We can talk about it when you're ready.” He gave Levi a reassuring smile. "When we're both ready," he added.

“Good, then get your fat ass on top of me again. I was really enjoying myself until you started yabbering.”

Erwin sighed, running his hand over his face. “You really know how to set the mood, huh?”

“I don’t think you realize how much I’ve wanted this.” Levi snorted, uncurling and draping an arm over Erwin’s. His other hand came up to drag the back of his knuckles along Erwin’s jaw, nails down his neck. Honest in body and mind.

A laugh escaped Erwin in a breath. Did the other man even know that Erwin had wanted to marry him in the hospital? "I'm certain I have an idea."

“Then kiss me.”

Erwin kissed him. He kissed him on the couch for almost an hour, and after they brushed their teeth they kissed in front of the bathroom mirror, Erwin peeking at their reflection just to see what they looked like. He kissed Levi with their heads on pillows and bodies under covers. And in the morning, he kissed Levi awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% satisfied with the end of this chapter, but I hope it conveyed the simplicity I was aiming for.


	14. Digging In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin confronts Shadis at the station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow what time is it? sorry, this chapter is actually very short and very filler, but important filler...if that is even a thing.
> 
> on the other hand, if you want a taste of the songs i associate with this story, you can now listen to it [here](http://8tracks.com/razzldazzl/mosquito-bite)! Of course it's only 13 tracks out of the 83 i listen to repeatedly until my ears bleed.

“Erwin Smith, in the flesh!”

Erwin kept his pale lips sealed tight as they stretched into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Dita Ness switched the stack of practice helmets from one arm to the other and offered Erwin his left hand as a form of greeting, altered from his usual slap on the back or hug around the shoulders. Erwin appreciated the deviation, still unsure on how to greet people warmly with his clumsy body.

“It’s been a while, Erwin. We all really missed our fearless leader.” Dita never changed, Erwin observed, always lighthearted and sensitive about the bald spot that he covered with a smoky blue and white paisley bandana. “When Mike said you were back on your feet we were all wondering when you’d finally show your face around here again. Surprised you held out for so long, considering you would come in bleeding from your eyeballs before you took a sick day.”

Erwin laughed with him, not as full bellied as Dita, but he made the effort. He had always enjoyed the older man’s company in the past. Dita took his job just as seriously as Erwin, and he always had a soft spot for new firefighters stretching their limbs outside of the academy for the first time. Unfortunately, he was hit or miss on social cues, and couldn’t quite gather that Erwin’s thoughts were far, far away from the moment they were having.

“What brings you here today anyway?” Dita asked, and Erwin almost rolled his eyes in exasperation. Of course Shadis wouldn’t think to inform the station beforehand that they had a meeting today. There was a new girl at the reception desk that Erwin didn’t recognize, watching them with big, curious golden brown eyes, so he supposed it was better that someone familiar had intercepted him before he had to have Shadis paged to the front as a formality.

“I have some things to discuss with the chief,” Erwin spoke with a false urgency, hoping Dita would assume the situation dire. “Is he in his office?”

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course he is. Go ahead on back.” Dita waved him off as he continued in the direction he had been going. If Erwin had to guess, he would say the man was cutting through the lackluster museum at the front of the station to get to the training room. It was the time of year for drills, he supposed.

Giving the receptionist a warm smile that she returned with a mouth full of straight white teeth, Erwin turned in the opposite direction and walked past the bathrooms to the back area of the station where offices, storage, and conference rooms were located. He had always been proud of the fire station’s expansion, mostly because he had played a large part in the designing, though he had been overruled when he suggested simple beige walls and now he was stuck staring at the grotesque tarnished orange that had been decided on.

Shadis’s office was the second to last office leading to the garage for the trucks, and Erwin hesitated a moment before knocking. He used his thumb to wipe off a stubborn smudge on the bronze _Fire Chief Keith Shadis_ name plate nailed to the door. He exhaled deeply, then gave a sturdy thump on the door frame.

“Come in.” Shadis called as though it could be anyone outside his door. He looked stupefied when Erwin closed the door behind him, standing straight and tall in the middle of Shadis’s office.

The office never changed even after the remodeling; Shadis’s decorated coat with commendation bars hung off a hook on the wall behind the desk, the blinds over the large window remained down but turned open; autobiographies, safety guides, and encyclopedias stood straight and untouched along dusty, dark wood shelves; medals of honor in glass cases and statuesque awards decorated the top most shelf (situated into a organized, aesthetic line by Erwin himself), manila folders and papers of all colors stacked haphazardly on top of cardboard file boxes and Shadis’s desk. The only surfaces that didn’t have clutter on them were the two chairs angled inward towards the desk, and a loveseat, lining the wall beside the door, with crocheted pillows that had been passed down by Shadis’s mother.

Erwin felt, for a moment, that he had stepped back in time. The need to remember to balance his shoulders told him otherwise.

“Senior Captain Erwin Smith,” Shadis greeted, because it never ceased to be Erwin’s title. Senior Captain was not a real position in their ranks, but Shadis implored the city council to bestow it upon Erwin so that he could be recognized as one standing higher than a lieutenant and a captain. It was, in some cases, the most honorable award Erwin had ever accepted. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too, sir.” Erwin shook his chief’s hand before he took a seat, knowing Shadis would forget to offer him one and then choke on an apology when he realized too late. “The station hasn’t changed one bit.”

“You say that as though you’ve been gone four years instead of four months.” Shadis grumbled in his signature form of grown man pouting.

“I know. It does feel like it’s been forever.” Erwin rubbed his hand over the narrow armrest of his chair, eyes roaming around the room. “You have a new receptionist in the front.”

“Yes, Sasha. It’s temporary. She’s a very intelligent girl, but she has quite the mouth on her.” At Erwin’s raised eyebrow, Shadis divulged further. “She speaks her mind and eats her weight in junk food. I don’t know how she stays that skinny.”

“Some people are simply gifted with faster metabolisms than the rest of us.” Erwin offered. Shadis was one of them, if Erwin was being honest.

“Yes, well, you didn’t come here to talk about our new receptionist.” Shadis was always an expert when it came to cutting pleasant small talk to an end, like a dull axe on splintering wood.

“Right to the point, then.” Erwin said with a hint of laughter. “Chief-”

“Keith.” Shadis corrected.

“ _Shadis_ ,” Erwin settled the unspoken argument and the older man dipped his head in defeat. “I would like to start off by apologizing for my behavior while I was admitted in the hospital. I reacted discourteously to your offer. I was being selfish and, not to make excuses, I wasn’t quite feeling like myself back then.”

Shadis raised his hand up, palm to Erwin. “Before you continue, I would like to admit that I was also in the wrong. You were in recovery from a very traumatic accident. I shouldn’t have sprung that on you so suddenly. I suppose, from the past, I had assumed you would simply bounce right back from this. And now I’ve made an ass out of you and me.”

Erwin gave a tight smile that made the corners of his eyes wrinkle. “Then we can both agree that we’ve been assholes, and leave it at that.”

“Undeniably.” Shadis lifted himself halfway off his chair, gesturing towards the mini-fridge he kept tucked against the wall behind his desk. Erwin dismissed the silent offer and Shadis seated himself again. “You said on the phone that you wanted to talk about my offer.”

“I did,” Erwin said, eyebrows drawing together in a pensive frown.

Only a week ago he had been sitting on his couch for ten hushed and dense minutes, his throat a dank, rubbery tube while he gazed down at his phone on the coffee table and juggled around precisely what he wanted to say. Words still fresh scars on the front of his mind, burning so quickly to suffocating ashes, he had searched for Shadis’s personal number.

Erwin did not fidget, but Shadis’s hand seemed keen on finding something to do through his attempt to keep eye contact. “I will come out and say it simply. I am not prepared to return to my duties quite yet, but, after some serious consideration, I would eventually like to succeed you as the next chief.”

Air expelled from Shadis like a balloon, and he sagged into his chair with outward relief. “Of course I’m overjoyed to hear this, but you seemed absolutely disinclined to the idea in the hospital. What made you come around?”

“A little bit of pushing from Mike, a pinch of guilt.” Erwin swallowed and glanced at the right arm of the chair where he could feel his hand gripping the wood with bruising force. He frowned at the intrusive phantom pain; something he’d have to bring up with Hange the next time they spoke. “In all honesty,” he continued, shaking free of his thoughts. “I miss my job. Saving people, guiding young heroes, the strategies, even the equipment checks and budget meetings. I am quite bored of the recovering handicapped life – I was never quite suited for it.”

“Well,” Shadis gave a dry chuckle, and that was the most Erwin was going to get out of him with his terrible brand of humor. “I’d certainly say that this district has missed you, too.”

The two grown men spent twenty-five minutes discussing the next plans of action, the return policy after a long period of absence, and most importantly, Erwin’s aptitude to perform at his job with his new disability. Changes were going to have to be made to his workout routine, and when his prosthetic came in Erwin would be put through a brief training course to gauge his limits.

Another fifteen minutes were put to polite, albeit awkward small talk about upcoming holiday plans, and then, finally, Erwin was breathing in fresh autumn air outside the garage doors of the station. He had passed the trucks to see how they were holding up, but one of the drivers was checking the engine and Erwin immediately ducked out of the garage door to avoid being seen.

He opened the passenger door of the Honda Civic and dropped heavily into the seat, rocking the whole car on its wheels. He inhaled the familiar scent and exhaled deeply, relaxing into the seat.

“How’d it go?” Levi locked his iPhone and dropped it into the cup holder, giving Erwin his undivided attention. Eyelids always low, pupils always pulling with a gravity of their own.

Erwin sighed once more before using his elbow to push off his seat and then tug Levi forward with a hand on the back of his neck. Levi caught his balance on the divide between the seats, grunting into the kiss. It only lasted seconds, warm, chapped lips pressing, pressing, pressing, and then Erwin released the smaller man with a satisfied lick.

“Ugh, it’s creepy when you smile like that.” Levi spat, running the pad of his thumb over his assaulted mouth.

“Like what?” Erwin grinned like a cat that got the cream, settling back on his side of the car and buckling himself in his seat.

“You know exactly. I take it that it went well? You’re keeping your job?” Levi applied his own seatbelt and started the ignition with a stuttering groan.

“That’s right.” Erwin affirmed.

“Good. I was getting tired of cleaning up after your lazy ass.” Levi huffed, throwing the car into reverse and pulling out of the fire station’s visitor parking lot. “You giant slob.”

Erwin snickered to himself as he reached over and plucked at the black basketball shorts Levi was sporting. “Don’t forget that you’re wearing this giant slob’s clothes because you spilled avocado ranch dressing all over yours.”

Levi slapped the offending appendage away and quickly returned his hand to the wheel. “Keep that up and the slob is going to be cooking his own dinner tonight.”

“All right, all right.” Erwin sat back to watch Levi drive them back to his apartment. “Thanks again, Levi.”

“What, for driving?”

“For everything, really.”

Levi scoffed. “Oh. Yeah, sure. Don’t mention it.”

“Really, you always-”

“Erwin, I’m serious, _don’t_ mention it. I don’t handle verbal gratitude well.”

They sat in silence for several seconds filled only by the a/c whistling and the sounds of traffic. Erwin lifted his chin, pupils narrowing with a pinpoint focus. He leaned across the divide to Levi’s ear, the dark-haired man grimacing at the close proximity. “What about physical forms of gratitude?”

He could almost laugh at the way Levi melted into his seat at the husky murmur filling his ear. “Fuck.”

In a bold motion, Erwin dropped his hand onto Levi’s thigh and squeezed, fingers digging into the inside of small, but well developed thigh.

“Err-wiin,” Levi growled through gritted teeth. “Don’t do that unless you’re planning on following through.”

A beat. And then another squeeze that had Levi closing his legs around Erwin’s hand.

“ _Fuck._ You asked for it, asshole. You are gonna get it when we get home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks, as always, for the kudos and comments! and shoutout to the silent readers, i appreciate all of you!
> 
> i have thought long and hard about the progress of levi and erwin's intimate relationship, and i have finally decided on a path. there is going to be some tag updating with the next chapter. you've been warned.


	15. Levi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi huffed, ignoring the trembling in his knees as he rested his feet on broad shoulders. He contemplated Erwin with heavy eyelids and a lopsided frown. Erwin was having a good day, he reminded himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Levi's POV for no particular reason other than I wanted it.

Habits form like a crack on a windshield. First it’s the tiniest kink, a pebble nicked the glass, it was nothing to dread over. It remains, avoided and ultimately neglected; that is until, of course, it spreads. Across the windshield, elements render that miniscule kink to bend to their will, and a hairline fracture creeps its way along the surface; overlooked at first, until suddenly it’s crossed over into line of vision - and still, it goes unheeded. A habit, good or bad, is invisible to the person behind the wheel.

Erwin Smith had grown increasingly habitual over the past months. His presence was a constant in the hospital, and then, later, a constant in his life outside of work. Erwin Smith followed him as he traipsed through aisles while Levi checked off his grocery list with neat marks. (Did Erwin need cereal at home? Should he call him and ask what his favorite brand was? He had already passed up the produce, but what if Erwin needed something from there? Were there any freezer foods Erwin preferred? It would be easier for him than cooking, although Levi didn’t want to condone lethargy.)

He pestered Levi as he sat curled up on his couch at three in the morning, bed untouched for the past week, TV airing a preview for a new drama series on Netflix that was right up Erwin’s alley, and perhaps Levi should text him about it.

He was there while Levi washed dishes by hand, sat at a red light, answered a text from Hange. Erwin Smith was a force of habit, and Levi wasn’t aware of it until this very precise moment, right there in the parking lot of Erwin’s apartment building.

“Here, head on up.” Erwin held out his key ring by a single silver key with a green rubber cover on the head.

Levi took the keys in a firm grip before he asked, “Where are you going?”

“Down the block for a cup of coffee.” Erwin patted the seat of his pants, making sure his wallet was still there. Levi’s eyes lingered, concerned that maybe Erwin had dropped it somewhere.

He couldn’t believe the big, dumb man. “I could have driven us there on the way home.”

“I’d rather walk.” Erwin gave that brilliant smile of his, a rare chance to bask in honey melon warmth that had nearly been snuffed out once. The smile was a reassurance, an allusion, and a treasure.

Levi wasn’t going to argue with him, so he headed to the building. “Suit yourself. See you at home.”

He paused, lips parted to retract his last statement, but a desolate exhalation tumbled out instead. To preserve some scrap of his dignity, he didn’t turn around to see Erwin’s reaction, only continued his march through the lot. His ears burned hot with the echo of domestic words meant for couples. They weren’t together, not in the slightest. They were two men, two wholly interested individuals, obvious in their actions, but hesitant in their reactions to the aftermath.

Levi’s thigh had fit in Erwin’s palm, loose muscle squeezed by fingers of steel. Levi had warned, laid the options on the table, and Erwin had made his answer clear. The tight rope of tension yanked taut between their bodies. Levi did not set out to walk it inconsequentially. Erwin needed time to adjust. There were stages to recovery, and becoming intimate, romantically or just physically, was a steep upwards incline for a patient.

A person’s healing was a novel of their past, their upbringing and morals. Erwin felt himself useless, incomplete, half the man he was because he was now rendered to holding only half the weight of the world. Where he had obtained such a sense of responsibility baffled Levi more than the Seven Wonders. Something from ages ago, land singed, rebuilt, then scorched again, and Erwin assumed the obligation to house it within his shell. His body a cage to the cognizance of his own weakness, and now damaged, he was losing the very thing he had strived to overcome. He had to learn to steady himself on the rolling ball that had been his life before, and in order to do that he had to give up some of that personal responsibility; or, at least, share the load.

Erwin was trying, and Levi witnessed that today, when Erwin asked Levi to drive him to the station, when he made his feelings concrete in the car. He was attempting to take back control, and surely he was having a good day, but Levi didn’t know how long that would last, and if good days only happened because of Levi’s continued presence. He would color himself convinced when Erwin managed something without having Levi around.

The only trouble with that was…Levi liked being around Erwin. He didn’t mind Erwin monopolizing all his time, tagging along with his thoughts. He was a scab that Levi compulsively picked at, even though he knew he shouldn’t. In the end, Erwin would be a scar, just like the rest.

Sighs ages old escaped Levi’s lungs as he tidied Erwin’s apartment a little at a time. This time he sorted the heap of clothes by color for washing, because Erwin wasn’t going to care enough to do it himself. He had turned his white button down to pastel piss after mixing it with a highlighter yellow t-shirt. The giant moron, quite literally, had no domestic sense to him. The first time he came over was like walking into the den of a college shut in.

Hunger teased at the back of his mind, suppliant for consideration. The kitchen remained untouched after Levi’s thorough scouring from the night before. Every inch of counter as smooth as the day it was installed, the marble sending chills up his arm, inspecting his fingertips. He opened a cabinet, pressed his lips into a thin line of discrimination. Saltine crackers that dated back four years, a near empty box of wheat thins – not even his favorite kind – and a collection of canned goods that had probably been collected over Thanksgivings with family. This man never had anything good in his kitchen, certainly a preexisting condition before he ever met Levi.

The cabinet to the left held plates, bowls, and a single cheese grater that was begging Levi to organize like a desperate lover, so he closed the cabinet with a weighty breath. The next door he opened revealed Erwin’s pipe on the bottom shelf beside a paper cup of coffee with the logo of the café only a block over. Tilting it to peer inside, Levi rolled his eyes, nearly revolving them right out of his skull. Well that explained that.

And that cheese grater was calling his name.

Erwin returned with a single coffee cup in hand to find Levi contemplating the stackable organization of his tupperware, and whether or not the shape mattered when it fit together in such a way that didn’t waste space.

Grey eyes flicked to the coffee cup in Erwin’s hand, measuring the man insouciantly. “How much did that cost you?”

Erwin appeared liberated by the question. He no longer had to explain his sudden ‘coffee’ run, didn’t have to stumble over an excuse. And perhaps that was why he liked keeping Levi around.

It had occurred to Levi, belatedly, that Erwin hadn’t a clue of what he wanted. He might as well be walking around with a giant question mark sign for Erwin to ponder at while the big idiot compartmentalized his life. Career, a must; friends, over by his slowly cementing self-esteem and bottomless bucket of guilt; recovery, something to deliberate; and Levi? Levi was useful, wasn’t he? Erwin didn’t have to watch his feet around someone like Levi that would snap back the moment a toe reached out of bounds. Levi didn’t demand, but he didn’t take initiative, and therefore Erwin was playing around with a wild card.

“Sixty dollars.” He smirked as though that was appropriate.

Exasperated, Levi turned back to the cabinet with the pipe and grinder.

They ended up on the couch with bellies threatening to burst out of their pants, full of mediocre frozen yogurt and terrible Chinese takeout. Levi had pathetically powered through his dry sesame chicken and half cooked rice like a hobbling soldier. He gave a miserable pout when his stomach roiled under the pressure.

“You won’t judge me if I put on some Elvis, will you?” Erwin asked sheepishly as he stood up to maneuver over to his outdated entertainment center.

“The only music that could kick me out of this buzz right now would be Billy Joel.” Levi groused from the couch, stretching out across the entire length.

Erwin didn’t hear him, simply put on a CD and turned the volume low. A Big Hunk o’ Love played first, and Levi watched the man twist around on the balls of his feet, wobbled his knees like some old ass impersonator that was years off practice.

Surely it had something to do with lack of balance, but Levi gave a wry smile for Erwin’s effort. “You’re a giant dork.”

Erwin gave Levi a show choked full of secondhand embarrassment that Levi ate up like the finest chocolate. He had never witnessed Erwin so carefree, flinging his head around and allowing his thin bangs to caress his forehead. He had rhythm, surprisingly, after he caught up to the music. He certainly had a rough start each new track, obviously lost in the one before.

Little Sister came on, and Erwin gestured for Levi to join him. He supposed he could humor him for the two minutes that every Elvis song lasted. He winced as his stomach protested when he stood, gave Erwin his hand, and twisted around the small living room with him in their socked feet. As the song faded abruptly to an end, Levi considered taking advantage of their close proximity, but Erwin beat him to the punch.

With Levi’s hand still in his, he yanked the smaller man forward and dove in to steal a kiss. Sweet, tasting of lo mein and vegetables, and music from the sixties, cramping and thumping and turning.

Breath was not something to be caught, to be had, it was a disturbance in the middle of their mission to weld lips together, tangle wet muscles into a knot, to surge chests together until two beating hearts become a comet plummeting right into Erwin’s uncomfortable couch, debris toppling to the floor.

Thank god, Levi praised as his neck was seized in a flurry of kisses and sucks, caught between teeth and laved with a burning hot tongue. Thank god, because he had been so tired of waiting. His attraction hadn’t been pumped with fuel in nearly four years, and he was sizzling in his pants. He didn’t even have to say anything, Erwin could read his mind, his body, and his hand, bless his only hand, tweaked nipples and fondled his bellybutton on its search for the waistband of his pants.

Levi braced the man for his balance, then they sat back on the couch in one swift motion. He straddled thick thighs that dared to spread his legs further and further until he ached pleasantly in his groin. Warm fingers fondled his sac and Levi sighed reverently.

“Kiss me,” Levi muttered against lips that missed his and treated his cheek to special favors.

“I am kissing you,” Erwin returned, along with his lips on Levi’s.

Levi moaned into that mouth that sucked the air from his lungs like a pump.

He had missed this. He had only shared intimacy with this man once before, and he was already craving the next time like an addict. It certainly had been a while for him, and Erwin probably longer. He even circled his fingers around Levi’s cock tenderly, like a hesitant virgin.

“Oh.” Erwin’s mouth flopped like a long-faced fish.

Levi was flipped over, his back on the couch, and Erwin kneeling on the floor between his legs. The sight alone was better than any stained glass depiction of genuflecting found in any church. “Yes…” He hissed in encouragement.

Erwin tucked the elastic band of his pants beneath Levi’s balls and chuckled dryly. “Shit, Levi.”

“Surprised?” Levi couldn’t help but smirk at the obvious flush treading over Erwin’s glorious high cheekbones, sharp enough to cut diamond.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I just thought- because of your height- I mean-”

“You’re not the first. Would you mind? It’s kind of cold in here.”

Erwin’s pupils dilated with a hungry interest in Levi’s exposure, and he leaned in to take the man in his mouth.

Levi sighed in gratification. Shit, it had been far too long. His eyes slid shut, enjoying the rhythm Erwin applied to the bobbing of his head with his strident sucks. They encompassed the music, drawing Levi’s focus to pinpoint. He’d never had someone give him such loud head, but he couldn’t complain, it was wet and hard, and his toes curled in expectation. It had been a really, _really_ long time.

“This is your warning.” Levi announced, lifting his hips off the couch.

Erwin lavished the head of several seconds of attention before, unexpectedly, taking Levi in until he bumped the back of his throat.

“Fuck…” Levi whimpered, pumping his hips into Erwin’s mouth as he released. Erwin didn’t stop there, however, and Levi founds his hands flying to blond hair, threatening to tear it out from the vigorous sucks around him. “Stopstopstop- stop, stop, stop, shit, Erwi- _god_!”

“Just Erwin will do,” the man beamed, lecherous and foul.

“Oh my god, you’re such an idiot. How many times has that joke been made?” Levi huffed, ignoring the trembling in his knees as he rested his feet on broad shoulders. He contemplated Erwin with heavy eyelids and a lopsided frown. Erwin was having a good day, he reminded himself. Last time they both had erections in the same room, he hadn’t wanted Levi to touch it.

“Want me to return the favor?”

There was the guilt again, flickering between reds and blues of self-deprecation and sympathy. Sympathy for Levi, and he knew the answer before Erwin opened his mouth.

“That’s okay, I’m fine.”

“Of course you are.” Levi sighed out of his nose.

Erwin’s magnificent eyebrows furrowed at the change in Levi’s demeanor, and he kissed apologetically along furry pale thighs. “I really needed this,” he spoke between kisses. “This helped. It did. And maybe next time-”

“You’ll let me fuck you?”

Blue eyes widened comically, and he rolled his head along Levi’s leg to meet his passive visage. “You want to?”

What kind of question was that? Did Levi want to fuck Mr. Big and Blond into a mattress until he nearly swallowed his tongue? Fuck, either Erwin’s self-esteem was the equivalent of a muddy door mat or he had some terrible typecasting issues.

“Of course I want to. When you’re ready, that is. I thought that, in the car, that you would be tonight, but-”

“I’m trying, Levi. I really am.” Erwin was growing desperate and Levi stroked his hair to calm him down. He went right back to kissing milky thighs.

“I know you are. I know.”

Eventually, Levi dozed off with Erwin’s head between his legs and the same damn Elvis Presley CD running on a cycle. He dreamed of fingers stroking his body like a cat’s, and him arching into them. Five fingers searching him until he shunned them in favor of lips singing to him about gilded fields and gnawing horizons, chasing, fleeing, and the will to see it all to the end.


	16. Brownie Points

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you want to try dominating me?”
> 
> Levi raised an eyebrow at that. “Are you asking me if I want to? Or are you asking me to?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's not talk about how long it took for me to update or how short this chapter is...

The knocking - correction, pounding - on his door drowned out the rerun of The Price Is Right that Erwin would be winning if he were at the studio months ago. Standing after sitting for a long period still left him disoriented, his shoulder leaning one way and his hips over correcting the angle. It was a process, one that he’d only get used to with time.

He barely opened the door before Levi was barging in, shrugging off his backpack and dropping it on the closest kitchen chair.

“I have an hour and a half break, it takes me almost twenty minutes to get here-” He paused to peel off his green scrub top, leaving him in a grey undershirt and scrub bottoms. “-So that leaves us about fifty minutes to do this.”

Erwin watched Levi undress with a helpless smile. The man was methodical, folding his clothes into crisp lines and layering them on the kitchen table. He approached Levi from behind, spinning him with a hand on a broad shoulder, and bent over for a sweet, long kiss.

“Do you have oil?” Levi asked between two kisses.

“Mhm…” Erwin smiled against Levi's mouth. His lips were thin compared to Erwin’s prominent bottom lip, swallowed up by velvet flesh each time. He couldn’t get enough…  
  
“Quit it,” Levi turned his head away, exposing his neck. “Let’s hurry up and get to the good stuff.”  
  
“Do we really have enough time?” Erwin asked with the intent to mark the blank canvas. A hand unceremoniously shoved his face out of the way and Levi retreated into the kitchen.

“Are you doubting my skills? Hurry up, horn dog, I promised Hange I’d bring her some.” Levi said while opening the fridge to grab butter and eggs.

The night before, Erwin had gotten a bizarre craving for brownies, and had suggested that he and Levi run to the twenty-four hour Walmart for a box of brownie mix. To say Levi was appalled by the idea of petroleum by-product brownies would be an understatement. His lip curled in distaste so high it almost touched his nose. The short man insisted on making them from scratch, claiming that his were so good they’d make Erwin ‘cream his pants’. Needless to say that Erwin was very much looking forward to it.

Erwin helped where he could, pouring in sugar or pinches of salt, but Levi put in the most effort. He had a wet dish towel sitting under the glass mixing bowl so Erwin could stir without the dish sliding all over the counter. He seemed to know the recipe by heart, perhaps something he grew up with. Erwin had never discussed their childhoods, had never thought it a relevant topic until now.

“Your mother taught you how to make brownies?”

“No.” Simple and over. Of all the things Levi willingly brought up from his past, this wasn't going to be one.

“Touchy subject?” Erwin asked quietly.

“Unnecessary subject.” Levi snapped. In a cooler tone, he said, “Go look in my backpack. Hange wanted me to give you something.”

Erwin secured the bag between his knees to unzip it. He found a change of clothes, toilet seat covers, Levi’s cell phone, and a white book with colorful print on the cover. He assumed the toilet seat covers were not what Hange wanted to give him. Lifting the book up, he glanced over the title, then paused with a tight roiling engulfing his lungs. He read the title again. When he glanced over to the kitchen, Levi was watching him, expectant.

“You told Hange about...?” He couldn't find the words, too embarrassed to spit it out.

Their relationship was not a secret by any means. They walked comfortably close right behind Hange and Moblit, have been seen kissing on Mike and Nanaba’s patio. Their friends knew of their budding relationship, have been watching Erwin’s recovery accelerate with Levi’s attentive care. But this book suggested that Hange now knew Erwin was lacking in bed.

“Your pride remains intact,” Levi rolled his eyes. “I only told her we were looking to minimize the stress it puts on your arm. She gave me that.”

Erwin bit the inside of his cheek to keep from saying something that would annoy Levi. The man was easily irritated by Erwin’s lack of self-esteem. He found himself staring at the ceiling at night, Levi in the living room watching TV because he can’t sleep, and wondering if Levi would leave him if they never got around to having sex. It was inane, irrational, but whenever he tried to dismiss it, a voice told him it could happen, would happen - even though Levi told him time and time again that sex didn’t matter in a relationship.

He turned the book over, read the back of it while Levi continued to shuffle through his kitchen. There was a tight air between them, suspenseful. He would have to say something soon before Levi lost interest.

The back listed the topics the book would cover, from building a positive sexual self-image (he had to admit, he needed to work on that) to dealing with pain to using toys and tantric sex and power play. His eyes fell on a word, and he inhaled sharply.

“Did you…” He began, at first offhandedly, then became focused as whirling grey eyes met his. “Do you want to try dominating me?”

Levi raised an eyebrow at that. “Are you asking me if I want to? Or are you asking me to?”

A flush crossed Erwin’s cheeks. Why had he asked that? Why was he pushing this? Levi had told him before that he had experience in that field, but had left, had felt uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be bringing it up. “No, nevermind.”

Thin lips opened to produce some snarky comment, but it never came. “Help me get the brownies in the oven.”

Erwin scooped the mixture into a greased pan with a spatula and stepped back to let Levi put it in the oven. They washed their hands, Erwin using the silicone bulb that was suctioned to the inside of his sink to help him get the back of his hand and wrist. Before he could step away from the sink, Levi caged him against the counter.

“Stay right there.”

Erwin froze. His stomach fluttered with the processed information of what was about to happen. Levi was a force like no other.

“Keep your hand on the counter. Yes, right there. Do not move it no matter what. Eyes forward.” Levi ordered, and he pressed his hands on Erwin’s waist. They were so small compared to Erwin, Levi was just small, and that made this all the more thrilling, because Levi was the bigger man.

Cold fingers slipped beneath Erwin’s blue cotton shirt, felt the softened abs that had been neglected for months. They stroked soft gold hairs, traveled up, up, and Levi had to rest his chin on Erwin’s rigid spine.

“Breathe…” He muttered, and Erwin gave a shuddering exhale. Levi fingered Erwin’s nipples, stroked them and rolled them, pinched and pulled. He circled the velvet area around the hardened buds, massaged Erwin’s pectorals.

Erwin was finding it hard to stand straight, to breathe, to keep his hand on the counter. He didn’t know where Levi was going with this, but he hadn’t touched Erwin with such confidence before. He would stroke and caress, but wait to see what Erwin would do, see if the man would stop him, which, unfortunately, happened every time.

Today his hands were not questioning, were not exploring tentatively. They intended to excite and to conquer. And Erwin was big…

“Oh…” Erwin’s face burned in delight at the first tinge of excitement in a long time. His cock pressed against the fleece lining of his sweat pants, the soft fabric a contrast to a particular tug at his chest.

Levi sighed against Erwin’s back and withdrew his hands from the shirt, immediately transferring them to the waistband of Erwin’s sweats. He wasn’t gentle in the slightest - hadn’t been during Erwin’s PT either. He liked that about Levi’s hands. Their rough handling, the way his fingers spread over Erwin’s body like they wanted to map as much of his epidermis that could be reached. And he could reach far.

Sweatpants were shoved down pale creamy thighs, and one hand wrapped around the throbbing length. It was a dry contact, uncomfortable, but how could he mind when for the first time in nearly half a year he was finally,  _ finally _ , feeling something besides attachment and longing? He was finally feeling lust.

“Levi...” He swallowed thickly.

“Shh…” Levi kissed his back through his shirt and stroked him in a way that had his loose skin sliding. “It’ll be okay.”

Erwin dipped his head forward, hiding a smile. Levi thought that Erwin wanted to reject him again. It was horribly endearing to have a man so intent on Erwin's pleasure.

He didn’t have long to be all smirks. The hand on his penis began to focus on the glands around his head, stroking and squeezing and rubbing, until Erwin’s knees buckled and threatened to give out under his weight. The pad of a finger stroked between his ass cheeks and beckoned a low moan from Erwin.

It was over before he knew it, making a mess of his cabinets and Levi’s hand. Levi washed up all over again while Erwin caught his breath and kept his hand on the counter. He blinked back the wetness in his eyes, not even bothering to pull up his pants.

Everything that happened next was a blur. They took the brownies out of the oven, each eating a square of their own before Levi packed away some for Hange. They spoke amongst themselves, about the game last night, about shift changes at the hospital.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about Levi’s tone. Keep his hand on the counter, don’t move, breathe, it’ll be okay. It was okay. It was more than okay. It was exhilarating, and the release had been needed much more than he had thought. His body thrummed with a positive energy that made it hard to remain grounded longer than a handful of seconds. Replacing the mosquitoes today was a nest of nuzzling butterfly wings.

“That was good.” He blurted out. Levi had been speaking, something about taking a shit at work, but Erwin mowed right over him with his declaration. He couldn’t let Levi leave without knowing.

Levi pressed his lips together, biting back on one of his infamous smirks of satisfaction. Erwin wanted him to show it, to own what he’d done.

Erwin reached over to where Levi was sitting cross legged on his couch and placed his hand on Levi’s left knee. “I mean it. I liked that...your voice. And your hands. It was all good.”

Levi cracked, lips ticking upwards. “Of course you liked it.”

“We can do it again. Should. Sometime. Maybe soon.”

Levi inhaled deeply before scoffing and shaking his head.

Erwin watched as his shoulders began to tremble, then shake uncontrollably. Suddenly, the loudest snort Erwin had ever heard from a human being erupted through the room, followed by a fit of laughter that was reminiscent of a sea lion. Blond eyebrows nearly shot into his hairline.

“Shit!” Levi cupped a hand over his mouth. “I fucking hate laughing - it's ugly and annoying. But this is so stupid. I've tried easing you into this every way I knew how, and  _ this _ !  _ This _ is what gets you hot.”

“Levi…” Erwin beamed. “Your laugh is gorgeous. I would love to hear it more often.”

“No fucking way.”

“Are you ticklish?”

“Try it and you won't have any hands left.”

“Mmmm, I'll get by if I can just hear that laugh again.”

“No.  _ Erwin _ ,  _ no _ ! No- Don't come near me, you freak-  _ Erwin _ ! Fuck!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [PinkJasMink](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkJasMink) for introducing me to The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability back in April of 2015! It took me this long to mention it in this fic, but I truly appreciate it.


End file.
